


Of the Desert and the Sea

by ChemicalPanic



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Broken Families, Developing Relationship, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Like, Love Triangles, M/M, Mental Illnesses, Past Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Supportive Patton, Virgil really needs a hug, past trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-01-16 03:20:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21264212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemicalPanic/pseuds/ChemicalPanic
Summary: Virgil is floating, always floating somewhere in the sea he was dumped into a long time ago. He's surviving of course, even as waves beat against him. But a wave that he wasn't expecting turns up in the seat opposite him during roll call and he's left to wonder if this is a wave that'll leave him breathless and drowning again or one that can help him back onto land.





	1. The Wave

**Author's Note:**

> Heya y'all it's me again, I promise I'm not dead! As it is a new year I decided to say fuck it and finally start posting this work! Please be warned that I write about triggering and unsavoury subjects in pretty explicit detail, so take a look over the tags just one more time before jumping in and make sure that you are safe, okay??  
<3  
Much love, Chemi~  
PS- Please leave constructive criticism or other nice stuff, it really helps me stay motivated <3

He watches the blood drip down his thigh. It pools in beads along the slits that have lined themselves up like waves on the sea hundreds of metres offshore. It’s been too long since this last happened. It’s been too long since he’s let himself let go enough for his head to be completely submerged. It’s been too long since he last let himself breathe the salt and the sea foam and the brine. It’s been too long since he let go and it’s obvious that it’s not going to take long before the water recedes again and he’ll be back in the desert, not a drop of water, no rain, no sea, nothing but the sand and the wind and the heat.

_ {at least you won’t be so cold all the time} _

_ yes Leonard, yes, I guess you’re right. _

He lets his eyes slide shut. The waves sway his body, his limbs and his hair move freely through the water. He doesn’t breathe. He doesn’t need to. He watches his blood swirl around him, beautifully dissolving, evanescent as he, himself, melts.

“Virgil!” A call of his name yanks him out of the sea, gasping and coughing, traitorous body giving in to the selfish desire for air, for life. “ Virgil!” It’s Dee, knocking insistently on his brother’s door. “Sustenance has been prepared. Father is also present.”

“Yeah, I’m coming.” He listens for Dee’s walk down the stairs before he dares to climb ashore, the sand stinging at his open wounds. He opens his eyes to a congealed blood stocking in a thin sheen on his left thigh. He opens his surgical spirits bottle and soaks his blood-cleaning towel in it to start wiping the blood off, desperately trying to quickly remove the smell and the sticky remnants of his drowning. 

At the dinner table, Patton gives him a soft smile and the son walks over to him, arms opened wide and willing to receive a soft kiss to the forehead. Virgil sits inbetween his dad and Dee and only half-listens to Dee ramble about his day, unable to put in the energy to determine the lies from the truth. He’s been getting better though, Dee that is. He’s been dealing with his anxiety and low self-esteem well, therapy and pretty pills that Patton dispenses with a sort of sad look on his face every morning. Virgil isn’t dealing. With anything. Well, the drug deals don’t count and neither does the exchange of pain and blood for something approaching nirvana every night when not even God dares to look. He picks at his potatoes, not even bothering to hide that not a morsel makes its way to his sealed lips. _ 93 calories per 100 grams of baked potato without oil, knowing dad there’s some olive oil in here, 9 calories per gram. He’s given me around 250 grams of the potato so that would be 186 plus 46, 232 calories with a generous estimate of 25 grams of oil, another 225 calories, all together 457 calories in just the potatoes. The green beans are drenched in butter, if there was no butter I might actually have eaten them {lies}, 31 per 100 grams, but then the butter, 7 per gram fucks it all up. The steak is not an option. Never an option, I don’t even know how he cooks the steak. _ It’s not worth it, never ‘worth it’, even though he’s never figured out what the ‘it’ is. A scorching breeze hits him right to his face and his heart skips a beat as he gasps for fresh air, not stale, hot, _ burning _desert winds. “Hey kiddo, are you alright?” Patton furrows his brows and lightly brushes Virgil's hand with just his fingers, having learnt from past experience that sometimes his kid gets a little more sick than usual and needs to ground himself. (Once when Virgil was high he had dubbed these times of worse illness ‘sandstorms’ after an hour of sobbing to Patton. Patton had never gotten over that; that crippling realisation that his child is not okay and it is possible that it was his fault.) (It wasn’t his fault.) Virgil hears the question, not the words. He looks blankly at Patton and he doesn’t repeat himself, the answer already given by Virgil's pallor and the shake in his hands.

“C-can I go to my room?” He manages to choke out and Patton gives his hand a soft squeeze and a gentle smile.

“Of course kiddo, just yell if you need me, okay?” Virgil nods shakily and all but bolts up the stairs. Patton and Dee exchange worried glances after Virgil's back is no longer visible.

Virgil dives into bed and fumbles his earphones in and music on. ‘I was the one who wanted nothing, I was the one who lived in pain’. _ {You’re such a fucking burden Virgil, you can’t even eat a simple meal, you fucked everything up, now your family is worried about you and you’re just disappointing them all over again.} _ He squeezes his eyes shut and turns his music up even louder. ‘Fuck all the people with their Bentleys and their nice lives, fuck all the people with their mansions and their bright skies’. _ {Please Virgil. You don’t _ ** _really_ ** _ think you can drown me out? You only ever drown yourself, and even then, only for comfort because you can’t fucking handle living in this shithole. You can always end it, you can always rip your wrists open with that blade, you can bleed out and all the pain will be over and you’ll be happy-} _ He screams. He screams just to shut the voice up, just to end all the pain, to take all the pain and tear it out of his chest through his throat. He tries to scream. Nothing comes out. He hears Leo laughing. _ {You’re fucking pathetic Virge. You can’t even scream. You can’t do anything, everything you touch you just fuck up. How long has it been now? Just ninety hours? You’re fucking pathetic, you can’t even go for five days can you? I bet you’ll fuck it up, I bet you’ll just eat because you’re weak and can’t handle a little dizziness and hunger. Come on Vee, prove me wrong.} _ He starts crying, silent sobs wracking his body, silent sobs ripping through his lungs, his heart, his lips, even his fucking toes and he starts to lose himself again. He watches as he kills his brother, he watches as Remy coughs up blood with a man watching as Remy screams and screams for Virgil to _ Run! Just fucking _ ** _run_ ** _ ! _ He doesn’t. He stands rooted in place. Alone.

He wakes up the next morning with fresh slices he knows to never mention to himself again. He doesn’t remember opening those up. _ It’s not dissociation, I just have a bad memory. I just forgot that I did this again. _ He pulls on a sweater over a hoodie over a long-sleeved shirt, the unforgotten cuts hissing a breath of dissatisfaction. Virgil smirks. _ Good. Let the devil die already. {we’re close Virge, we’ll kill him soon, we need to keep starving him or the very very bad thing will happen again.} Yes Leonard. We’re winning this round, but what about the next? {The next? Virge, we’ll be dead by then.} _ He pulls on the trousers with significantly more trouble, his body’s hissing morphed into screams.

He tosses his bag into the front seat of his car, leaving the house without saying a ‘good morning’ to his still sleeping dad nor his awake and groggy brother. He watches calmly as his world splits into two once more, waits until he can no longer hear his body screaming and starts the engine to drive himself to school. He watches with half-lidded eyes as the world sprints past him, desperate to leave him to his own devices once more. He opens his eyes and he’s parked in the student parking lot out front of the school. He opens his book for the day and reads for the next however long it takes for the bell to ring and starts his way to class, students bumping into him as he does.

He watches a boy he doesn’t recognise stride into the classroom and take a seat opposite him, one of the two free seats in the room. Mrs Jones gives him a once over and taps away at her laptop, her cheeks flooding with a dark pink, even in the artificial blue light of her screen. The boy meets eyes with Virgil. He stretches out his hand. “Roman.” His hair is slicked into a style that seems to be on trend, his clothing immaculate and obviously expensive, hazel eyes twinkling with a brewing joke. Virgil takes the hand offered to him, leaving in a single earphone to play him a sad song he doesn’t recognise, _ must be a playlist error, it’s okay. _“And you?” Roman gives a smile that Virgil euphemises to himself as ‘self-confident’. He watches Virgil intently.

“I’m Virgil Harrison, seventeen and already planning thirty-eight murders.” He gives a soft smirk in response to the huff of laughter from Roman.

“Well, I better be one of those thirty-eight because Australian school seems _ dreadful _.” He says with a sweeping accompaniment of a sweeping hand that narrowly misses Jenny Hargraves on the next table over.

“Thirty-nine it is.” Jenny glares at the back of Roman's unsuspecting head. He gives a quiet laugh.

“You need to come back to Florida with me and kill me there, I’d much rather be buried with the remnants of my shitty childhood.” Roman watches Virgil smile and open his pencil case to pull out a purple pen and start doodling an octopus in the margins of his notebook. “Father moved here for a ‘new start’.” He rolls his eyes and Virgil keeps drawing the tentacle tangle on the page.

“My dad’s a nurse at the local hospital.” Mrs Jones stands up off her table and clears her throat to start roll call.

“We’ve got a _ new _ student today, Roman Keenes, make _ sure _ you make him feel _ welcome _ .” She says to a class so clearly disinterested that she _ has _to have noticed as she doesn’t continue with the new student spiel. 

“So why are you at a special school? Like… You don’t look mental?” Virgil leans in conspiratorially to Roman.

“Yeah, I killed a dude last summer, or well, winter for you upside down people and so… here I am.” He says with a bright grin and Virgil nods in an imitation of solemnity, quickly pulling himself back into a lazy reclined pose.

“That’s totally fair, like yeah I’d totally do the same.”

“And you?” _ This seems to be a recurring phrase with this dude Vi. _

“Yeah, I tried to kill the devil and he just gave me a bunch of mental issues as punishment you know?” Roman stumbles a little with his sarcastic reply but still manages to pull it off, a pair of hyperactive eyebrows jerking up and down in silence. “Pass me your timetable, I’ll tell you what’s up.” Roman complies and watches Virgil as he scans the boxes.

He watches as Virgil's collarbones peek out from the worn neckhole of his hoodie, how the tendons in his hands shift as he absently flexes his fingers. He looks ill. Like violently physically ill. Roman allows his thoughts to cycle through the possibilities. Cancer, abusive family, homelessness, depression, cancer again. (It sees the most likely option)

“Okay, so you have Modern History, Drama and English with me, Extensions included. Your Maths and Physics is stupidly intelligent for me so I can’t help you there but you seem friendly enough and I'm sure I can put you into your misery and show you your rooms?" Roman gives a confused smile. "Only if you wanna though, obviously." _ {Fuck, too close, way too close, Virgil, shut this down before he rejects you and you get hurt an-} _.

"Yeah, that'd be… very helpful." He sounds surprised. Virgil tries to not take offence. "Could I get your number? Just in case I get lost?" Roman gives a gentle smile to Virgil as he makes grabby hands for Roman's phone. He types it in, paying no mind to Mrs Jones' disapproving stare. He gives Roman a big grin. 

He walks Roman to his first class, Physics in one of the new labs and jogs to his own Society and Culture class on the opposite side of the school. Just as he slips into his seat, his phone buzzes with a text.

_ 'I got lost' _ He rolls his eyes, desperately trying to ignore the fluttery, jittery feeling in his stomach.

_ 'What? Where? I literally walked you to class' _

_ 'In your eyes ;) pick me up from class for next period and we can discuss our date' _Roman lets out a long shaky breath and turns his display off, placing the phone face down onto his desk.

Virgil checks his phone and sighs. _ {Analysis proficiency activate! Okay so I have a couple theories for you, right? We have the one that's focused on him being a homophobe with a great gaydar and he's just trying to get close to you in order to beat you up and/or kill you. Another theory is that he wants to use you and make fun or you for his own sick satisfaction. Then we have the whole ‘I’m gonna out you to the whole school because I can and because I hate you’. Then the true horror is that he actually wants to get to know you but we know that if that happens, you might start eating and then if you eat, _ ** _he’s_ ** _ gonna wake up again and will kill your new stupid boyfriend. I see no reason for you to engage in any sort of dating behaviour with this dude because I see no way it will work out well for you or for him for that matter. End it while you still can.} _ Virgil takes a deep breath and shoves his phone in his pocket and raises his hand at his name called out for roll call, Logan giving him a faux offended look. _ {Oh shit, Patton has a pretty big influence over him, huh?} _

He considers not picking Roman up for his next class. _ Like logically, he probably already has made a new friend who can help him find the next thing no? {Yeah but guilt.} Fair point. _ He awkwardly approaches Roman who is just so effortlessly leant up against the white plaster of his Physics room that he wants to scream and/or crawl into a massive anxiety cave.

“Okay it’s English time loser.” Virgil stops a solid three metres away from Roman.

“Lovely. I really suck at English, but I’ve read the play and all the poems I am prepared for the lesson.” Roman speaks with an air of false composure and a strange wave of his hand, as if he’s trying to swat a fly away, but that fly is waltzing around in the air away from him.

“Great.” Virgil notes, eyes deliberately flicking away from the taller boy before he noticed the stare. “We’re… we’re uh, room 21 and our teacher isn’t down with lateness so uh… let’s go.”

They walk in silence that’s only _ mildly _cripplingly awkward for them both.

“So uh… John Donne huh? Do you have a diagnosis for him? Mine’s inflamed ego and self-hatred.” Roman waves his hand again, this time as if his hand was a small house from Kansas, just about to land on a wicked witch. “Like, the dude’s poetry is a tangled mess of bruised ego and overcompensation.” He takes on a mock serious look and stops in his tracks, throwing an arm in front of Virgil. Virgil tilts his head and blinks directly at Roman. “Do you think he had a small penis?” He says in a hushed conspiratorial whisper and with a dramatic hair flick. His conversation partner sighs, pushes the hand away and keeps walking. After ten paces he turns around.

“Yeah.” And keeps walking. Roman doesn’t bring up the text and neither does Virgil. Peace successfully restored.

“Aren’t you gonna have anything?” Roman asks, three bites deep into an egg and mayo on light rye. They’ve chosen a piece of concrete underneath Virgil’s favourite tree in the quad. The leaves turned a pretty dark purple come autumn every year. That tree, Shieleigh, was the main reason he dyed his hair. He wanted to match his autumnal soulmate.

“Yup.” Virgil pulls out a can of Pepsi Max and opens it with his spoon. He takes a sip and places carefully onto the crossing of two cracks in the block. He watches two ants crawl into a larger opening to the left of the can.

“Any food?”

“Nup.” Virgil looks up at his conversational partner’s subtle noise of disapproval. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah, this dickhead called Remus.” Roman rolls his eyes. “You?”

Virgil shrugs, trying to feign nonchalance. “His name’s Dee, we’re tight, I guess.”

“Lucky you. Remus convinced me when I was younger that the sky was actually an illusion created by aliens to make us believe that no one’s watching us, but that they were watching everyone twenty-four-seven and that they could see every time I was in his room or touched his stuff and that they’d keep a tally and give me that many noogies when they abducted me when I turned eighteen. Scariest shit that little eight-year-old Roman ever heard so I wouldn’t even pass him his phone when he asked for it because I really hated noogies.”

“Wow. traumatic.” Virgil nods, eyebrows furrowed, trying to force the grin to stay off his face.

“I know right, like I still have nightmares about it.” Roman giggles and takes another bite of his soggy looking sandwich. _ {Ew.} _

“Yeah no my brother was a compulsive liar so I learned pretty quickly to just kinda… question all his stories.”

“Oh that’s fun, you’re smart like that.” Roman grins and watches Virgil take another sip.

“Yeah, yeah no, he’s just like… an okay dude in general. I have no complaints about him.”

“Yeah? What about your parents? I like complaining.” Roman pouts. Virgil doesn’t enjoy that. _ Not at all, like totally not the cutest thing ever, what? _

“Yeah nah, my dad’s like… great. He makes all these shitty jokes and I have to sit through them trying not to laugh because me actually laughing only encourages him. He’s a kid sometimes, but it's all gucci. He just works day and night shifts as a nurse at the local hospital so he’s usually asleep when I go to school and at work by the time I come back. Complain about your parents now.”

“Well… My dad’s a bit emotionally vacant but that’s standard I feel. My mum’s a _ busy lady _ so I don’t see her that much.” The conversation pauses after Roman's drawl and Virgil takes another sip of his Pepsi, watching the two ants crawl out of the crack and scurry away into the tree's soil. "Where are your friends?" Roman says with a mouthful of egg.

"Uh. Remy's graduated and he's probably sleeping right now; he works nightlife." Roman nods. "Yeah all my other friends are like… actually _ his _ friends and we hang out sometimes, but only if he organises it."

"Well now you have two friends. Because I'm your friend. I have no other loyal followers and you're here so… we're friends now."

"Lit… I guess?" Virgil doesn't mention the last text Roman sent and neither does Roman. They sit in comfortable silence.

"Did you wanna maybe hang out this weekend? Like I'm obviously not gonna be partying my face off quite yet." Roman starts talking some time into the second half of lunch, his egg sandwich long gone. Virgil tries to keep the blush off his cheeks. A hot guy like Roman simply _ cannot _ be interested in him. _ {Damn straight.} _

"Uh… yeah? Yeah I guess so? Anything specific you feel like doing?" Virgil pulls the sleeves of his hoodie down further, over his hands like mini sweater paws. He lets his mind wander to the bathroom sink or to the shower. _ {It's been almost 120 hours Virge, you should eat something}. _ He can almost see the blood in little droplets and rivulets through into the valley basin of the sink and down the drain. _ If I eat, I'll have to purge, you know this Leo. Will would be so disappointed with us. {Fuck Will. He's abandoned us.} _

"...Hello?" Roman waves a (perfectly manicured) hand in front of Virgil's face. 

"Oh." He says simply as his eyes focus back on Roman's face. "Soz. What were you saying?"

"I wanna go to a café and then to a park to hang the hell out." He thinks for a second and motions to himself. "Take me somewhere where the cakes are as pretty as me."

"I don't wanna go to the dump, it takes too long to wash the smell out." Virgil smirks and Roman adopts an affected faux-offended pose, mouth wide open in shock and hand covering his heart.

"Oh shut up Hot Topic." He grumbles. 

Virgil snickers and puts up his thumb sideways. "A) I'm Australian and I only know what that means from memes. B)" He puts up his index finger perpendicular to his thumb and smirks. "Aww you think I'm hot."

"Shut up…" Roman mutters as he rubs the back of his neck. 

"And that makes you a…" Virgil puts up the resultant 'L' shape to his forehead. "Loser."

"I don't wanna go out anymore. I don't wanna be friends with a douchebag." He crosses his arms and pouts directly at Virgil. Virgil gives in after a few seconds. 

"Fine, I guess. Leith's has pretty cakes. Just as…" He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Just as pretty... as you Roman." He says with only the slightest inkling of feeling and a faster and sideways version of Dan Howell's 'microwave'.

"If you want coffee, the soul-sucking franchise of Gloria Jeans is good… I guess. And parks… Depends on if you want a playground or not."

Roman nods with a goofy grin. "Sounds like a date."

"Sure does, doesn't it?"

Virgil gets home to dark spots in his vision and pins and needles all down his back. Also to his dad reading on the couch with two crocheted blankets, one that Dee made in year 5 (on his shoulders) and another that Dee made a few years ago during weekly therapy (a big one draped over his lap). "Hello dark, strange son, how was school today?" Patton closes his book and places it front cover down onto the coffee table. 

"Hey Dad. Yeah, new kid at school, I’m meeting with him this weekend and Logan made another pun.”

“Tell him he owes me another date.” Virgil rolls his eyes, unable to keep a smile off his face as Patton grins. “So my boy has a new friend? Do you wanna talk about that?”

Virgil thinks for a second and plops himself into a soft armchair. “Yeah, uh, his name is Roman, he’s from Florida. He’s pretty lit I guess.”

Patton’s whole face lights up. “I’m so happy for you! Would you like some money for it? I can give you a twenty to cover travel and food expenses. I can give you more if you want?” _ {He’s willing to give you money for food you won’t eat.} _

Patton pulls out the red note from his coat and stretches it out to Virgil. “Have fun yeah? Have you decided when you’re going to go? Like the day?” He wraps himself back in his blankets when Virgil clumsily accepts.

“Uh… no!” Virgil finger-guns at Patton and pulls his phone out of his pocket. “I’m gonna text him.” He starts tapping away at his keyboard.

_ ‘hi so what day did you wanna go?’_

He texts to the still unsaved number in his phone. Patton takes a sip of his tea, opening up his book again. Virgil stays in the comfy chair, Roman’s response almost instant.

_‘Uh tomorrow? 11am?’_

_ ‘Lit’_

Virgil relays the information to Patton and he nods. “Okay kiddo, you’re gonna have so much fun, I’m so excited for you!” Patton grins at his son.

“Yeah…” Virgil forces a smile. “Uh, I’m gonna go now, you know, to my room?”

“See you for dinner kiddo.”

Virgil doesn’t come down for dinner.

  
  



	2. The Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short-ish chapter kiddos, I just wanna get all the set-up out of the way (holy fuck I hate set-up so much)  
<3  
Much love, Chemi~

Tomorrow comes quickly. Roman gels his hair into the standard perfect quiff and pulls on his date outfit, a white button up with black jeans and something vaguely resembling a casual version of a blazer, in his favourite red. He straightens everything out under the watchful gaze of the mirror.

He takes a deep breath before stepping out of the house, briefly considering catching a bus into the suburb CBD. He quickly talks himself out of it, and opts instead for a nice walk. He listens to his joggers tap softly along the concrete sidewalk.  _ No,  _ he corrects himself.  _ Along the concrete footpath. They say footpath here. _

He only plugs in his earphones when the sound shifts closer to irritating than soothing.  _ 'Hey are we still good for today?' _ His phone buzzes before he can slip it back into his pocket, Lana singing as accompaniment now.

_ 'All g, omw rn' _

_ 'is this spy code? -_-' _

_ 'Aha yeah this is the american lang' _ Roman chuckles at the plethora of irritated emojis. _ 'Soz dude' _ , _ 'Wait no i'm not :p' _

His old therapist used to harp on about the idea of balance every week. She'd say something like 'Okay so if you exercise for a long time, your body needs to replenish the energy you lost and repair your muscles to be stronger, right? So I have some snack ideas for pre- and post-workout.' She handed him some flashcards for the snacks, the benefits written on one side and good times to eat them on the other. She tried her best to convince him that what happened wasn't his fault. Almost got there too.

Then the family moved. His father hadn't bothered to ask if he wanted to see someone again. He just enrolled him in the school she had suggested and then abandoned him again, apathy back in the driver's seat. 

He arrives at the cafe five minutes early.  _ 'I'm here dr gloom ;)'  _

_ ‘Yup, ETA 1100’  _ Roman gives his phone a single nod and leans himself back against the brick of the cafe wall. He watches the people pass by, just about ready to play the best game ever (people-watching) but none really strike him to have any kind of interesting backstory. He straightens out his collar, wishing for a cigarette to abate his anxiety, but all his connections are back in Florida, America’s penis state. He waits for Virgil in silence.

“Hey.” Virgil walks up to Roman’s side and leans back onto the wall right next to him. “Cake?”

“Hell to the yeah.” Roman grins and turns around to take in Virgil. He’s in his school time hoodie and black ripped skinny jeans, black sneakers sporting some holographic spider decals. “You look fucking lit.” Virgil shifts his weight to hide his waist.

“Thanks, you too.” Roman watches for another second, until Virgil rolls his eyes with a smirk. “Let’s go you creeper.”

Virgil walks Roman over to the cafe, accompanied by Roman’s side remarks about passersby and the general geography of Australia. (‘How can you guys do stuff when there’s this amazing smell in the air all the time? Eucalyptus is perfect.’)

They sit down at the window opposite each other after picking out their cakes and drinks. Virgil stirs his black coffee in the purple square mug the cafe gave him. “How can you drink that? What the fuck?”

“Nothing is more bitter than the reality of my existence.” Virgil takes a sip of the coffee and Roman shudders.

“I am both impressed and concerned.” Roman sips at his skim hot chocolate. Suzie helped kickstart the recovery process and he doesn’t want to give up just because he’s in a different country. He can hear the eating disorder still screaming at him that he shouldn’t drink the hot chocolate but instead have the black coffee just like Virgil.

That’s when everything clicks.

_ Virgil Harrison has an eating disorder. _

The coke for lunch and the black coffee and the uncomfortable response to body-based compliments and the way he’s looking at the macarons right now like they’re not only the most hated things in existence but also the most terrifying. The way his bones threaten to rip out of his skin and the empty hollow in his eyes only help confirm what Roman already knows.

_ Virgil Harrison has an eating disorder. _

“So tell me about Florida life.” Virgil softly places his mug back down onto the table and smiles at a passing patron.

“Well, we’re all old or crazy or both. You know that Florida Man or Nah game Jenna and Julien played on their podcast? It’s all pretty believable.”

“Oh my god you watch them too? I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who does.” Virgil exclaims with a grin but quickly catches himself and eases back into his sullen frown. “I mean… That’s cool.” Roman snorts into his hot chocolate.

“It’s all gucci to get excited about stuff Virge.” Roman digs his fork into his lemon meringue, accompanied by a flinch from Virgil.

“Aha, yeah totally, all… gucci.” Virgil stirs his coffee and watches Roman take the fork into his mouth.

“Oh! Um, I need to tell you something. It might be a bit tmi, but my therapist told me that it’s good to be open about this sort of stuff.” Roman says after swallowing the meringue (absolutely delicious meringue). “I um… I’m in recovery for anorexia right now. I haven’t been actively engaging in disordered behaviour for a long time now, but… Well yeah, it’s still hard.”

Virgil blanches and stirs his coffee, the bitter taste suddenly forcing stomach acid up his throat. “Well… Um, if there’s… If there’s anything I can do to-”

“Nah, I didn’t tell you that to make you my caretaker, I told you that because we’re friends now and because my therapist recommended me to be open about this with people I’m comfortable with.” Virgil gives a soft smirk.

“Comfortable my ass.” Roman rolls his eyes and grins, watching how Virgil stirs his coffee, the two pastel macarons he bought as good as a mile away from him.

Two English essays later Roman decides to call it a homework night. Virgil had offered to drive him home. He politely refused and walked home alone, Virgil probably too tired from the most likely total absence of food from his system.  _ I shouldn’t have told him about the ED. Like yeah it confirmed my suspicions but a few more days of observation would’ve done the same. Now he probably has doubts about having any kind of relationship with me. He’ll probably avoid me at school on Monday. Like he's a good dude, he's probably scared of encouraging the disordered behaviour all over again.  _

Roman leans back in his desk chair, just enough for it to spin around to face his bed.

He needs to have dinner.

_ I'm not hungry _ .

He  _ needs _ to have dinner.

_ I'm  _ ** _not hungry_ ** .

He climbs into bed.

_ It's just one day and I'm feeling really sick. Please don't be angry. _


	3. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okayokayokay we be jumping right in!!  
<3  
Much love, Chemi~

Blood swirls around him again, more pain, more surfacing plastic waste cutting into his soft jelly body.  _ {Virgil please eat something. You need to eat or you’ll die. It’s already been six days I’m so sorry for being a dick last time but you desperately need to eat.} _

_ Leo I don’t want to purge right now. I’m exhausted and I just wanna sleep. _

_ { _ ** _Please _ ** _ eat something. You don’t need to purge this one. Have a bowl of cornflakes in water, some oatmeal, please just eat something.} _

Virgil doesn’t get up and just wipes the blood off and climbs in under his blanket at 4pm.

Virgil’s phone lights up with a text. Remy.

_ ‘hey loser we’re getting drunk tues 1am, normal place, you down?’ _

_ ‘sounds good, can i buy some more stuff?’ _

_ ‘yeah she’s coming i’ll let her know’ _

Virgil sends a thumbs up in response and locks his phone again. He goes to sleep.

Roman sits down opposite Virgil in roll call on Monday. Virgil nods and forces a smile to stay off his face, a little bit inside him melting with a pleasant warmth at seeing Roman again. “I had a good time on Saturday.” He says simply and Roman’s cheeks flush with pink.

“M-me too. I’m not gonna lie, I was afraid that I scared you off.”

“It takes a lot more than a little history of anorexia to scare me off Roman. If you knew my shit, you’d be running for the hills.” Roman scoffs.

“I’d like to know. I like hills. Especially hills that you wanna be silent about”

Virgil hesitates, watching Mrs Jones lean down under her table to pick something up. “Scary shit.” He doesn’t look at Roman until the bell goes for their next lesson. “Not today. Sorry.”

Roman deflates slightly but still smiles. “All good, just get me to Maths?”

Virgil drinks another Pepsi Max for lunch. Roman forces an egg mayo on light rye down his throat again, trying desperately not to slip into the abyss he crawled out of. Not again. “Do you drink?” Virgil asks after yet another sip of Pepsi.

“Like… Alcohol?” Virgil rolls his eyes.

“Yes Roman. Alcohol.” He clicks his phone on and texts Remy.

_ ‘Can i invite a hot dude who i really like?’ _

The reply is instant.

_ ‘fuck yeah’  _

_ Thank you Remy for being a total phone addict. _

“Do you drink the alcohols?” Roman gives a confused huff at Virgil.

“I mean yeah… I drink but like… I don’t get  _ drunk _ .”

“Good enough. Do you wanna come out with Remy and his friends and me and drink but like… not get drunk, Tuesday 1am?” 

Remy texts again

_ ‘just how hot is he? have you guys fucked yet?’ _

“So leave the house this midnight?” Virgil replies to Remy’s text, only slightly ignoring his current conversation partner 

_ ‘extremely and no’ _

“Yeah.” Virgil takes another sip of his lunch and looks expectantly over at Roman.

“Sure, where?” 

“There’s this park close to my house, I’ll show you.” He enters his address into his Google Maps and shifts the map only a few small swipes to the right. “You can meet me at my house if that’s any easier and we can walk together.”

“You live closer than I thought. And yeah I’d prefer that tbh.” 

_ ‘he’s in, i’ll cover him with the payment’ _

_ ‘nah yall dont need to pay’  _

_ ‘you’re both littlies and you had to quit your job because you’d rather kill yourself’ _

V irgil types quickly, Roman completely erased from his universe for the moment.

_ ‘you fucking know i would *dab*’  _

_ ‘thank you’ _

Remy sends a picture of him flipping the camera off. 

_ ‘love you see you tonight’ _

Virgil smirks.

_ ‘love you too’ _

“Sorry, I was texting Remy letting him know you’re coming.” Virgil looks up from his phone to a Roman looking away with pursed lips.

“All g.”  _ {Virgil fucking Harrison eat something or I swear to fucking god I will release him all by myself.} I’ll get calories from the alcohol tonight. And I feel like I might throw up if I eat anything.  _ “How long have you known him?”

“Um…" Virgil blinks a few times to get back into the conversation with Roman. "A few years now. We met at my old school in a club and then he graduated and I had to transfer because of an incident late September last year.”

“What happened?” Roman finally turns back to Virgil, faces him, searches his face for any possible hints as to what transpired to force him into the mental school.

“Silent hill. Sorry Rome.” 

“We’re on nickname basis now?” Roman smirks.

“Yup. Roman is one too many syllables for me, so Rome or Ro, take your pick.” Roman huffs into a smile and Virgil smirks.

“Ro’s good. Can I call you Virge? I’m lazy too.” 

“You may.” Virgil gives a soft affirmative hand motion and Roman grins.

Patton leaves at 9pm with a gentle kiss to Virgil’s forehead and a “Don’t stay up too late.”

“I’ll try, Dad. Have a good night at work.” Virgil finishes his Society and Culture essay by 10pm. He plays on his phone the rest of the time, until 12:45 comes and he walks right out the front door with a wave to Dee. Roman is wearing his stock standard red jumper (the same one he wears at school) and a collared white shirt with white jeans. 

“‘Sup Ro.” Virgil pulls up his hood. “Not gonna lie, but that’s not a very good outfit choice, you’re like a fucking beacon. Don’t you own any dark colours?”

“Nup. I’m a beacon of light in your dreary world, Doctor Gloom.” Roman winks under the gold of a streetlight.

“Huh,” he huffs. “I like that.”

They arrive to a bonfire already lit and at least three ciders gone. “Hey, you’re finally here!” Remy exclaims and jumps up to run over to Virgil. Virgil accepts the hug and kiss while Remy’s new boyfriend is looking away.

“I missed you Rem.”

“Me too Virge, I’m pretty fucking awesome.” He pulls Virgil’s hoodie off and whispers into his ear. “You’re right though, he is  _ smoking _ .” Virgil smirks and pulls out a cigarette to which Remy makes a face. 

He lights it and takes a drag. “Roman, meet Remy, Remy, Roman.” Roman, who was standing alone in the shadows takes a step forward and reaches to shake Remy’s hand. Remy accepts. “Roman is from Florida and he moved to my school last week.”

“Of course, all the hot ones are mental cases.” Remy sighs. “So why are you there? Virgil here is a secretive bitch so I  _ know _ he didn’t tell you shit but I hope you’re a little more open.” Virgil rolls his eyes and flips Remy off through a puff of smoke.

“Sorry, secretive bitch as well.” Roman shrugs and Remy sighs and makes a noise of disapproval.

“Y’all are boring.” Remy walks them over, closer to the bonfire and passes them a cider each. Virgil pulls out his utility knife to open both bottles and clinks his when open against Roman’s. He alternates a drag of the cigarette and a sip of cider as he sits down at the logs carefully placed around the pit. He and Remy rolled them over after some trees were cut down at the nearby reserve, just as the fortnightly drinking tradition was starting. Roman takes a few seconds to process everything before sitting down next to Virgil.  _ Are you fucking happy now Leonard? I’m drinking my calories which means I am receiving sustenance which means you can shut the fuck up now. {Happy enough I guess. Don’t drink too much. You know how we get when you’ve had too much.} Fuck you Leonard. You can stop talking now. _

“Okay I need to set some things straight-” Roman says slowly after Virgil waves Alicia over. 

“Yeah just give us a minute yeah?” Virgil leaves his cider at Roman’s feet and hugs her.

She looks at him through thick eyelashes. “I heard you quit your job. Ana’s a bitch.”

“Yup. But I still have money for you.”

She tilts her head to the side for a second, contemplating. “Nah, keep it, I’ve had a good week and you probably need it right now because of… you know, all the shit that’s gone down. Just promise me you won’t use it for dumb shit.” Virgil stares at her for a few seconds and she laughs and pushes the bag into his hands. “Now mate, before I change my mind.”

“Thank you so much Alicia.”

“It’s literally only because I know how rough shit is right now and because I love you, I can’t promise you this again okay?” 

“Thank you.” She kisses his cheek and he does the same and seats himself back onto the log next to Roman. “What are we setting straight now?”

“Well… You drink.”

“Yes.”

“You smoke too.”

“Indeed.”

“You’re also not a dick to Remy or that other girl.”

“Rude but continue.”

“And you do drugs?”

“You cannot prove that but yes.” Roman opens the paper bag Alicia gave Virgil to reveal a few packs of cigarettes and some high-strength painkillers and Ritalin. “Okay you  _ can  _ prove it and yes.”

Roman buries his face in his hands, shaking his head all the while. “Fucking hell Virge, maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should head home now?”

“I mean… I’m not going to stop you. But I thought that I could show you the more… unsavoury parts of my life because… Well, we’ve both been through shit and I thought… I dunno I thought you might’ve coped like I do.” Virgil doesn’t look up at his conversation partner and just finishes his cigarette while waiting for Roman to respond.

“Virge, painkillers and ritalin… They’re addictive. Like cigarettes too but I’m a pot, you’re a kettle with that stuff. I just want you safe.” Virgil makes a face and Roman sighs, preparing the next leg of his preaching..

“Oi! Lovebirds, get in here we’re playing Cards Against Humanity.” Another girl with pretty black and red dreads calls out from Alicia’s lap. Virgil doesn’t recognise her but still stands up, takes a sip of his cider and offers Roman his hand anyways to take him to the table. Roman gives a soft smile and takes Virgil’s hand and his own cider.

A few drinks later and Remy’s boyfriend is winning the game, Virgil a close second and Roman in dead last. Virgil starts swaying softly and softly giggles at all of Roman’s whispered jokes. Remy eyes them both carefully, not forgetting to be a good boyfriend but also remembering to be a good best friend. Leonard has been mercifully silent so Virgil is allowed to just have a good time.

By the end of the game Matthew, Remy’s boyfriend is crowned the winner and he pulls Remy into his lap as his prize. Remy gladly climbs on with only a look of mild concern thrown Virgil’s way. 

“Virge, I think you’ve had enough, don’t you?” Roman tries to gently push Virgil back to an alert state.

“‘M fine Ro. It’s better than… Well, just trust when I say it’s better.” Virgil gives a soft smile and Roman takes a deep breath and forces Virgil’s face his way.

“Virgil.” Virgil looks away but Roman tilts him back to full eye contact by his chin. “Virgil you will need to walk home, do you think you can manage that if you have more alcohol?”

Virgil thinks for a few beats, then softly shakes his head.

“So don’t you think you should stop? Remy brought some coke zero cans so maybe you should drink one of those instead?”

Virgil looks at Roman seriously. “You have really pretty eyes. Like the bark of an old oak lit up during golden hour.”

“Thank you, but are you listening to me?” Virgil nods with a small smile.

“Yeah, coke zero from now on.” He says quietly.  _ {Fucking hell Virgil you’re hammered. You can’t just throw yourself onto every cute boy. Especially if that boy is your friend.}  _ “He’s not my friend.” Virgil whispers and Roman looks at him, wide-eyed and scared.

_ {Don’t bullshit me Virgil. I know he’s your friend now, and I know he wants to be more than friends and I’m in your fucking head so I know that you want it too. But neither of you want it to happen when you’re hammered. Neither of you want this to happen now either. Like for fuck’s sake you’re talking to yourself right now. You’re scaring him.}  _ Remy meets eyes with Roman just as Matthew releases him and purses his lips. He gives Matthew a soft peck on the cheek and a soft apology. He slides down, and walks over to kneel in front of Virgil.  _ {You see, you’ve scared Roman so much that he called Remy over.} _

“Virgil, sweetie, is he back?” Virgil nods even as Leonard is screaming for him to say no. “Okay, is he louder than he was  _ then?” _ September. He means September.Virgil shakes his head. “Okay that’s good. Is he here often?” Virgil nods. “Every day?” He nods again. “Multiple times a day?” He nods a third time in a row and Remy takes a deep breath. Roman watches with fascination and fucking  _ terror _ . “Has he mentioned…  _ him?”  _ Virgil tears up and nods. “Fuck Vee, this is not fucking good. You need to tell Patton.”

“I can’t. You know I can’t.” Remy sighs and shakes his head. “It’s okay Remy. I’m used to it, it’s okay.” 

“That’s what you said last time.” Remy takes Virgil’s skeletal arm and rubs the inside of his forearm with his thumb. “Virgil, you need help.” Virgil gives a small smile and shakes his head along with Leonard.  _ {Fucking finally you’re listening to me. You need to go home. You need to go home right now.} _

“He’s protecting me Rem.” Remy sighs and hugs Virgil.

“You should go home now. Call me if you need anything okay? Do you…?” Remy sends a glance back at Matthew who’s purposefully looking away from him. “Do you want me to walk you home?”

“I can walk him home Remy, you’re busy.” Roman gives a soft smile at Virgil and Remy scans Roman up and down. He then gives a smile that clearly says ‘if you fuck with him, I will kill you’. 

“I- Okay.” Virgil nods at Remy and Remy leans in to give Virgil a soft kiss on the lips.

“Be safe Vee.” He whispers and Virgil nods, releasing Remy to go back to his boyfriend’s lap.

Virgil stands up shakily and Roman swoops in to support him up. “I got you.” Roman holds him upright and Leonard starts to whisper.  _ {You’re a failure, you’re disgusting, you’re burdening Roman, you invited him over to this party and then you force him out of it because you’re disgusting. Fuck you Virgil, this isn’t how you get in his pants, this isn’t how you make him like you, this isn’t what you’re supposed to do to get him to love you.} I don’t want him to love me. I don’t need him to love me. {Remy’s gone, Remy doesn’t want you anymore, Remy has a boyfriend now, Remy doesn’t need you. Don’t you want to not be alone? Don’t you want to feel the way you felt when you were with Remy?} _

“It’s fine, I’m fine, I don’t need anyone, I’m not lonely, I’m not sad, I’m not missing Remy, I don’t need anyone like Remy again. I’m content with being alone.” He mutters into the cold night breeze as Roman leads him home.

_ {Don’t you fucking dare bullshit me, I’m in your head, I know everything about you, I know when you’re lonely, I know when you’re sad, I know when you want things and I know when you need things. You want a boyfriend again. You want a partner again. You want to feel loved but not too loved because then you’ll release  _ ** _him_ ** _ and  _ ** _he _ ** _ will kill whoever loves you.}  _

“Shut up. Just shut up. I don’t need anyone or anything. I don't believe this shit. Just shut up.” Roman tears up but keeps pushing through and walking Virgil home, trying to push him through to safety, to a place where he’s safe and warm.

_ {Just kill yourself. Like seriously, it’s gonna be so much easier if you’re dead. No more attachments, no more pain, no more loneliness. You can burn this weird relationship you’re developing with Roman right at the roots and you can burn it all down. You’ll never hurt anyone again. You’ll never have to tell Dad about what happened to you before he took you in and you’ll never have those nightmares again.} _

“Stop it. Please just stop, I can’t do that.”

_ {Kill yourself. You’re disgusting and I don’t want you to have to cause anyone more pain.} _

“No.”

_ {Kill yourself.} _

“Stop.” Virgil whimpers out and lets a tear run down his cheek. Roman looks for the house he met up with Virgil at and opens the unlocked door.

“Virgil, we’re home.” Virgil looks at him through bleary, teary eyes.

“Up-stairs. My… Room.” Virgil manages to choke out after taking five seconds to process what Roman has just said. 

“Fuck.” Roman breathes out and walks them both up. Virgil sits down onto the bed and turns on his bedside light. Roman watches Virgil’s tear streaked face scrunch up into sobs. Roman takes Virgil’s slip-on sneakers off and pushes him down into his unmade bed. He stands to leave but Virgil stretches out his hand and grasps at Roman’s sleeves. 

“Please… Don’t leave.” He whispers and watches Roman with wide open eyes, tears pooling in his eyes. “I… I’m gonna be alone with him. He’s going to kill me Ro. Please don’t leave.” Roman tears up and nods.

“Of course Virge. I’m here.” 

After fifteen minutes that felt like fifteen days, Virgil’s phone lights up with a phone call. Roman accepts it. 

“Hi Remy.”

_ “What’s going on. How is he?” _

Roman sighs and leans forward closer to Virgil. “Fuck, it’s bad. He’s been talking to himself, taking a long time to respond to me and he’s still sobbing. He said someone’s going to kill him?” he whispers.

_ “Fucking hell. Stay there, I’m on my way. His dad is at work until nine and his brother is probably out as well right?” _

“Yeah, I think so.”

_ “Okay, I’ll be there in ten. Stay close to the phone, keep him at arm’s reach at all times.” _

“See you soon.” Remy hangs up. 

Roman pulls the blanket over Virgil, his shivering body still wracked with sobs. 

_ {Remy just called. He’s coming here. He’s going to ‘protect’ you from me again. I know what’s best for you Virge. I know what you want the most. You want to die. Just take a look at your wrists. Remember last September? Remember how we were almost free? Take a look at the state of your body. You starve yourself until you are just a pile of bones-} _

“Please just shut up.  _ I’m begging you,  _ please just leave me alone, I can’t handle this.”

_ {I fucking told you not to drink so much. I fucking  _ ** _told_ ** _ you that I get like this when you’ve drank too much.} _

“I’m sorry. I just… I don’t… I just wanted you to stop. I know you stop when I’ve had a little _ . _ ”

_ {It’s a dangerous fucking game to play. I get worse when you’ve had a little too much. For fuck’s sake Virgil, you know that  _ ** _he_ ** _ gets worse when you’ve had a little too much. Like I can feel him rattling and roaring and shit down there. You know he gets stronger and his bars get weaker when you drink.} _

“Is he… Is he coming?”

_ {Not today, you haven’t eaten in like a week so he’s pretty weakened. You’re lucky though, if you had more food or if you binged he would fucking kill Roman.} _

“I told you this was a good idea.”

_ {No. No it wasn’t. Because now you’re going to be stuck with me telling you to fucking kill yourself again for the next however long it takes for this shit to work itself out of your body.} _

Someone opens the door downstairs, Roman can hear it through the film of tears streaked across his face. That someone locks the doors after they walk in. They run up the stairs.

“How is he?” Remy asks, panting, a sheen of sweat on his face.

“Fuck, Remy, it’s bad.” Remy kneels in front of Virgil for the second time tonight. He tilts Virgil’s chin up.

“Virgil. It’s me, Remy. How bad is he?” Virgil opens his eyes and sits up, looking at Remy for a few seconds before bursting into tears.

“He won’t… stop. It’s September again.” Remy whispers a swear and hugs Virgil.

“You need to listen to me, okay? Roman and I are here with you. I’m not leaving until you want me to go. I’m not going to tell Patton anything unless you want me to. I am here to keep you safe. I will talk to you and try to keep you grounded. Leonard isn’t a real person.” Leonard makes an affected noise of shock and disgust. “He can’t hurt you, he can only try and make you hurt yourself. So if you don’t let him, he can’t hurt you,” Remy is speaking very slowly and clearly, keeping direct eye contact, “I won’t let September happen again. I won’t let you do anything like that ever again because I love you and I need you to stay strong because you’re my best friend.” Virgil nods with eyes focused only on Remy. “If I give you your sleeping pill you can’t physically hurt yourself and you’ll get the rest you need, but you will probably be in a lot of emotional distress. If I don’t, you won’t get the rest, but Roman and I will still not let you hurt yourself, and you’ll still be distressed. What do you want to do?” Virgil blinks slowly.

“Sleep. I want… to sleep.” Remy nods and gives Virgil a soft kiss on the forehead. He opens Virgil’s drawer and pops a sleeping pill out of the blister pack.

“Do you want some water?” Virgil slowly shakes his head and takes the pill dry. “Do you want me to hold you?” Virgil looks at Remy with a soft head tilt. “Matthew doesn’t matter. You’re the most important one right now.” He blinks a few times before shaking his head.

“Roman… Can… Can I hold your hand?” He whispers and Roman, who was just watching in shock and terror from the sidelines leans forward and gives Virgil a soft smile.

“Of course.” Remy scans Roman up and down and gives him the same smile he gave at the park. The ‘fuck with him and your intestines will be strewn across the freeway’ smile. Roman nods once in acknowledgment. Virgil clutches Roman’s hand like a lifeline. Remy rolls Virgil’s desk chair over to Roman so he doesn’t have to crouch like he was for the past conversation. He sits down onto Virgil’s bed, where his feet would be if he wasn’t in the foetal position. They watch him drift off to sleep.

A long awkward silence afterwards and Roman turns to Remy. “He was talking about you.” Remy purses his lips into a soft smile.

“Yeah. I’m not surprised.”

“He was saying he didn’t miss you but it was obvious he was trying to convince himself.”

“Again. I’m not surprised.” Remy rolls his eyes and watches Roman. “Listen. I don’t know who you’ve imagined yourself to be, but you know nothing about him. You may think that you do but I guarantee that you don't know shit.”

“I know he has an eating disorder.” Roman says seriously and Remy rolls his eyes with a scoff.

“No shit.”

“And you’re not helping him?” Remy furrows his brows.

“No. We’ve tried and he ended up at the mental school. We know he hears voices but since he’s denied everything we told his nurses, he doesn’t have a diagnosis. And I only know the shit that happened because I was  _ there _ . So I don’t know what sick curiosity you’re trying to fulfil but I have to politely ask you to  _ fuck off _ before you hurt him more.”

Roman sets his jaw. “All I want to do is be his friend. Maybe more-”

Remy scoffs. “He doesn’t do boyfriends Roman. I’m the closest he’s ever gotten to a boyfriend and we just fuck sometimes. So if you wanna be his plaything, be my fucking guest, but if you  _ dare _ to do anything that hurts him, I don’t care how hot you are, I will _ fucking break you _ .”

“Is that a threat?”

“You better fucking believe it is.”


	4. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyeheheh perhaps I may be projecting onto Patton just a little uwu  
<3  
Much love, Chemi~

When Virgil wakes up, Leonard is mercifully silent, Roman’s hand is still clasped tight in his and Remy is playing on his phone. 

He releases Roman’s hand.

He sits up with a long stretch and Remy smiles at him. “Good morning sleepyhead. Is he quiet?” Virgil rubs his eyes.

“Is who quiet?” Remy seems to be satisfied and Virgil throws a look over at Roman who just quietly watches his interaction.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He says gently. “Fuck, I must have been  _ hammered _ last night.” 

Roman snorts and nods. “Yeah no you were wasted, J D-lightful.”

Virgil laughs. “Fucking Heathers? Really?” Remy stands up and gives Virgil another forehead kiss.

“I need to go now Virge, but call me if you need me, yeah?” Remy doesn’t look over at Roman as he leaves. 

Virgil blinks a few times and rubs his eyes. “What happened yesterday?” He asks as he swings his legs off the side of his bed, taking a quick glance at his bedside clock.  _ 07:53.  _ “I’m so fucking hungover.” He leans back down into his bed.

“Yeah no yesterday was bad.” Roman gives a soft smile and stretches. “You were talking to Leonard out loud and crying like… a hell of a lot. You said it was like September again.” Virgil purses his lips and sighs, screwing open his water bottle and taking a sip.

“So now you know most of the Silent Hill. Congrats I guess, that’s the fastest anyone has ever found out.” He closes the bottle and sits up straight in the bed, leaning back against the headboard, his face fixed in a mask of disappointment and only slight relief.

“I mean… If it’s any consolation, I still don’t know what happened in September? Like I know it was bad but I dunno why?" Roman offers.

Virgil thinks for a second. "Actually, yeah no that kinda works." Roman squeezes Virgil's shoulder. 

"When is your dad coming home?"

"Um… Nine in the morning and then he leaves again six tomorrow." Virgil pulls his blanket up to his chest and folds his arms, surveying Roman carefully. “So… How freaked out are you on a scale of one to ten?” 

Roman scoffs and makes a thinking face. “Hmm… Maybe like a seven point six?”

Virgil gives a soft huff and nods. “Yeah sounds about right.” Virgil allows a long silence to pass before mumbling to Roman, "I'm sorry. My life isn't as pretty as you may have thought-"

"Well," Roman interrupts with a smirk, "your life just got a whole lot prettier with my stunning entrance." Virgil sighs and runs a hand through his hair, grasping through the strands for a retort that isn't self-deprecating or depressing. He can't find one. 

"Yeah. Sure, you're right." He sighs and closes his eyes. Another silence passes. 

"Don't go to school today." Roman says quietly, the smile faded from his face. "He might come back throughout the hangover."

"Yeah. Yeah no you're right, I won't go," Virgil agrees softly, matching Roman's tone. "Are you going?" He looks up at Roman, fluttering his eyes open with barely suppressed hope. 

Roman gives a short laugh and rubs the back of his neck, his cheeks flushing pinker by the second. "Do you want me to stay?" He says with a small stutter and Virgil looks down at his folded hands above his doona. 

"Um… I just kinda want company that won't make a big deal out of last night. Like if Dad knows how bad Leo got, he might throw a hissy fit and try to get me back into a ward. Like he knows I drink and hang out with Remy at night but I…" Virgil sighs and looks over Roman. "Leo is a secret. I haven't even told my brother that he exists, and it's hard for me to… tell people about his reach. Like you and Dad and Remy know about him and the other two ganged up on me and threw me into 'treatment'." Virgil makes air quotes and watches Roman's face morph into a soft understanding. "So probability tells me you'll also freak the fuck out as you find out more but here's hoping you won't." 

Roman presses his lips together for a second. "I won't. I mean- I'll try not to." He offers hesitantly and Virgil sighs.

"Good enough." Roman rolls the conversation back a few seconds. 

"Wait." He looks quizzically at Virgil, who's already moulding himself into a comfy sleeping position. "As I find out more? Is this like a conscripted visual novel?"

Virgil scoffs and smirks into the pillow he's hugging. "It's an invitation."

"For what?"

"To stay in my life." Virgil says simply and yawns into the pillow. "Tell Dad I'm doing better, just still sleepy. His name's Patton." 

Patton comes home around five past nine to Virgil's car still in the driveway. He sighs as he pulls the keys out of the ignition and grabs his tote bag of a tupperware that held last night's lasagna, and his half full water bottle. 

He dumps the bag onto the counter and checks the sink and bin.  _ Still hasn't eaten _ . He thinks to himself and lets the bin drawer slide shut. He pours himself a glass of wine.

Virgil is already sound asleep by the time Roman hears the front door open. Roman sends a quick glance over at Virgil, his chest rhythmically moving up and down in clear and indisputable sleep. He quietly stands up and slips his phone into his pocket. He leaves Virgil's door open as he makes his way down the stairs. A man Roman assumes is Patton is sat at the kitchen counter drinking a glass of red wine. He's still in the nurse's uniform with a light grey cardigan half obscuring his nametag and access badge. "Hi-" Patton gives a jolt that, had the glass been more than half full, would have sent wine flying. Patton looks over at Roman with a tired smile. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I um…" 

"That's alright kiddo, are you Roman?" Patton stands up, wine still in hand, and makes his way to the boy.

"Um, yeah, Roman Keenes."

"Cool, I'm Patton. How is he?" Patton takes another sip at Roman's expression. "I see. Is he safe?" 

"Yeah he's asleep right now, he told me to tell you he's doing better but he's still tired." Patton sighs and drains the glass, carefully placing the now empty vessel onto the coffee table. 

"Okay. Well… feel free to grab some soft drink or food from the fridge, wi-fi password is on the fridge too somewhere, shower is down at the end of the hall." Patton sighs and rubs his eyes. "Do you need a charger? We have android phones, the spare chargers are in a drawer under the coffee table. Yell if you need me but I'm going to try and sleep. I'm sorry, I promise I'm sweeter usually, I've just come from a long shift and…” He lets himself trail off and picks up the glass and rinses it briskly. “Well… I’m going to go to bed kiddo, make yourself at home.” Roman nods and shifts out of the way to let Patton pass and slip into the door under the stairs. He hears the door click shut.

Roman looks around the house slowly, having missed any chance for observation in the panic of supporting Virgil’s trembling body last night. It’s not a massive house. It’s not even anything that can be called ‘big’, but very warm. Honey-stained oak furniture and staircase coupled with muted orange throws and pillows on the plaid couch and big windows make the house feel like a glob of amber or a sunny early autumn day. All inhabitants preserved in eternal bliss. Roman takes a sugar-free can of orange soda and borrows a charger and makes his way back to Virgil’s room.

Virgil sleeps for a few more hours, his skeleton barely bulked up by his thick doona, his purple hair falling across his face, hand clutching at the pillow. He smiles at Roman for a split second when he wakes up, quickly ceasing as he realises. Roman huffs a small laugh at the sight of such a disgruntled Virgil. “You had to have been watching me the entire time I slept to have caught that you creep.” He grumbles at Roman’s stupid smile.

“No, you just move a lot when you’re waking up.” Virgil stretches with a middle finger up on the hand closest to Roman. Virgil sits up again and Roman lets his smirk gently fade. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Yeah. By midday, hangover’s usually gone and today’s no exception.” Virgil reaches for the orange soda and gives it a small swirl to determine if it’s worth stealing. He decides it is and takes a sip.

“Whoa-” Roman stops at Virgil’s innocently quirked eyebrow. “That’s my soda.” He manages to say and Virgil gives a soft huff. 

“Well you see,” he hands the soda back, “I wanted some.” Roman doesn’t reply for a while.

“That’s fair.” He shrugs after a few seconds of aghast staring and takes a sip too, effectively emptying the can.

“Orange soft drink is dope.” Virgil says resolutely and Roman gives a small snicker at the sobriety.

“Yes. Quite.” He pulls himself together quickly. “The dopest of dope.”

“The royalty of soft drinks.”

“Absolute god-tier.”

"Divine right of kings who?"

“11/10 would recommend.”

“Okay, but isn’t recommend such a cool word? It’s like… you’ve already thought this thing was cool once and commended it and you are not only able but willing to commend it once more?” Virgil snorts and rolls his eyes. “Okay but it  _ is _ a cool thing isn’t it?”

“How much sleep did you get last night Ro?”

“No.” Roman says slowly and Virgil feels a twinge of guilt at that. Scratch that, an entire sword of guilt through his intestines.

“I’m sorry… You’re probably exhausted and I’m here making you hang out with me.” Virgil hangs his head and Roman gives him a soft smile, placing a hand on his shoulder and leaning in closer. 

"I wouldn't have come to the party if I didn't want to hang out with you Virgil." Roman says in a low voice, Virgil lifting his head to make eye contact. Virgil takes a small fluttering breath through parted lips and watches Roman's eyes flick between his lips and making eye contact. His full eyelashes catch the light to turn brown as he peeks at Virgil from underneath them.

Before either can say anything, Virgil's phone buzzes with an incoming call and Roman springs away. Virgil answers.

"Hey Remy, 'sup? Yeah I'm all good. Yeah dad's home but no lecture yet. Yes Roman's stayed with me. No he's not been a dick. He's been awesome actually. He's still being awesome. Yeah. Yeah no. Rem, I'm okay just drop it. Oh shit that sucks I'm sorry. He was good to you. Is it because of the party? I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay yeah sure. Love you too. See you tonight." Virgil hangs up and places his phone face down on his bedside table. "Matt and Remy broke up. Matt thought he still cared too much about an ex and thought we were still fucking." Virgil sighs and rubs his eyes with his fingertips. "He's such a dumbarse like  _ goddamn,  _ maybe don't ditch your boyfriend for your ex having a breakdown? Maybe that's something that doesn't have a straight explanation?" Virgil emerges from his judgement cocoon.

"I mean… looking after your friends when they're upset is pretty common? Like… I'd do the same?" Roman offers, his measly donation met with a tired look. 

"Not when you have the history Remy and I do. Like… a lot of his boyfriends didn't like me because I'm too close to him and he prioritised me over them at the opportunity. Not to be conceited but I'm an important person for him apparently." Roman snickers and Virgil gives a soft smirk back. 

"You're an important person to a lot of people." Roman says softly and Virgil gives a soft laugh with a shake of his head. "Me included, and I would like to see you again outside of school, hopefully in better circumstances than last night." Virgil gives Roman a soft smile.

"I think I'd like that too." Roman nods just as Patton knocks softly. "Yes father? You may enter."

"Thanks kiddo." Patton walks in and plops onto the foot of Virgil's bed. "How are you feeling?" Roman watches as Virgil gives another of his adorable soft smiles.

"Less shit than in recent history."

"Do you want the drug abuse lecture again or have you memorised it already?"

"Close to being forever embedded in a deep recess of my skull." Virgil sends a small apologetic look to Roman. 

"I'm sorry, I think I should go now, I didn't tell Dad I was staying over anywhere." Virgil gives a soft nod and Roman gets up. "Text me, okay?" 

"Yeah dude." Roman unplugs the charger and picks up his keys.

"Nice to meet you Patton."

"You too kiddo." Patton gives a soft wave and waits until Roman is out of the room. "I'm scared Virge. I want to help you but I can't if you don't talk to me. Remy texted me what happened last night and I'm very concerned. If it's getting as bad as September was, I would really like you to go back to a therapist." He speaks softly and clearly, his gaze fixed to Virgil's face, watching for any changes.

"I…" Virgil sighs and runs a hand through already messy hair. "I don't really want to do that." Patton gives a soft smile and Virgil doesn't notice the tiny shines of tears building in Patton's eyes.

"Okay Virge. Just please remember that I love you so much and I'm always here to help if you ever want it." Patton squeezes Virgil's hand softly and stands up to leave his son's room. When he closes the door, the tears spill out.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiyaa, sorry for being gone so long, some shit has been going down aha, a n y w a y s, have some angsty angst and blunt relationship status info dump,  
Bless <3

Roman gets home around one thirty. His dad is nowhere to be found. He can hear thudding from Remus' room. He walks up the cold marble stairs and knocks on the door a few times to a Remus, with pursed lips and furrowed brows, peeking out through only a tiny crack. "Sup?"

"Did… did Dad get mad last night?"

"Why the fuck would he be mad?" Remus rolls his eyes and slams the door shut and the thudding resumes. Roman gets back to his own room and collapses into the bed, exhausted. He plugs his phone into the wall and strips off lazily, the pile of clothes laying in a helpless pile at the foot of his bed. He climbs in. He climbs under the cool-black and bleach-white checkered blanket and lays his head onto the black pillows. He stares at the Muse poster on his wall. He stares and tries to work out what the fuck happened last night.  _ Virgil got drunk. Virgil started talking to himself. Virgil was scared. Remy doesn't like me. They all know he's anorexic. Virgil invited me into his life.  _

_ That's about it.  _ He seriously considers texting Virgil. Asking how he's feeling. Asking him out on a real date. Asking if he's safe. 

He doesn't though. Obviously. If he asked there's no way out.  _ And Remy is coming to his house tonight anyways. There's no way he'd choose me over Remy. They've obviously loved each other for a long time, possibly years and Remy clearly loves Virgil more than anyone else. _

_ But he chose me. _ A small voice whispers at the back of his head. A tiny glimmer of hope.  _ Because Remy had a boyfriend at the time.  _ Roman is quick to discredit himself.  _ If Remy was single, Virgil wouldn’t have asked me to stay. _

_ But fuck it, he did. _

Virgil wakes up after another five hour nap, watching Remy flipping through Virgil's photo album. "Good morning Rem."

Remy looks up with a smirk and turns the photo to face Virgil. "Look how cute I am here." The photo is four years old, Remy with a 'why are you looking at me, oh wait you're kinda hot' smirk and Virgil's head on his shoulder.

"Well yeah you're adorable at all times." Virgil smirks as Remy slides the album back into its nook in the bookcase. He lies down next to his ex, burrowing his way into the bed and under the blanket like some sort of parasite. Virgil turns around to face him.

"Patton is terrified." Remy says with the serious voice he reserves for the aftermath of Virgil's suicide attempts. "I know he won't tell you but he's panicking. Like… you're his kid now, legally, and I know he'd still be like this if you were still his foster but doesn't it mean anything to you? Like you haven't changed post adoption. You're still acting like you're fucking alone and that's not okay. Pat-"

"For fuck's sake Rem, you think I'm not trying?" Virgil sits up, his gaze elevated to a better position for judgment. "I'm taking my antidepressants-"

"That you don't let him pay for."

"I'm doing my chores-"

"That he doesn't ask you to do."

"I'm-"

"You're acting like you're just living here temporarily. And I get it, you started as a foster or whatever, but for  _ fuck's sake Virge, _ he  _ wants _ you here. He  _ loves _ you and he  _ cares _ about you." Virgil lets the pause last longer than it should.

"Why are you here Remy?" Virgil says softly. "Because it was my understanding that you wanted to come over to fuck your way out of a breakup."

"I'm here because I love you and I know that you won't fucking talk to your father." Virgil grits his teeth at the word. Images of Will surface like rotting body parts from the bottom of a lake.

"He's my  _ dad _ ."

"Okay sure whatever." Remy ignores the few seconds Virgil was gone. "Your dad." Virgil allows a few more seconds of silence to pass by. "But the 'fuck my way out of a breakup' sounds good too." Virgil smirks and reaches out to take Remy's sunglasses off.

"You don't need these for that." He says softly and places a soft kiss on Remy's forehead. He folds the sunglasses up and places them on his bedside table.

Leonard wakes up just as Remy's stripped the clothes off the both of them and started sucking hickeys onto Virgil's neck.  _ {Why are you letting this happen? You don't love him. You never have and never will.}  _

_ I love him in some ways. Not the way he wants me to, but… you know? _

_ {Virge, don’t do this to yourself. You don’t need to please him. You don’t owe him anything.} _

_ But he likes this. It helps him. _

_ {You’re guilting yourself into fucking him because you’re scared he’ll leave you? Is that it? Is that how you want us to live? Because I promise you, He knows you’re fucking Remy, and He will not hesitate to kill him when you break.} _

Virgil lays quietly in Remy’s arms after his shower. He watches the moving shadows of the leaves blowing in the gentle breeze. Dark grey spectres struggling in the amber of golden hour. 

“You’re quiet today.” Remy remarks softly, turning onto his back and releasing Virgil from his grip. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” Virgil trails off and sighs, sitting up against the backboard. “No. I wanna be drunk again.”  _ {Fucking eat something. Like, seriously, I’m begging you, eat something or you will fucking die.}  _ He stands up and pulls on his 4X greeny-blue sleeping shirt. He ignores the fact that his vision takes much longer than normal to come back. He ignores the fact that the places where Remy was holding on tight are already showing signs of bruising.  _ You say that like it’s a bad thing. _ Virgil gives his cupboard a soft smirk and Leo sighs.  _ {Virgil.}  _ His voice is not only deeper but much more level than it normally is. Virgil stops at the doorway, as if by an invisible hand.  _ {You seem to forget that I can make your life a living hell. I can make you binge and binge until you’re a hundred kilos. I can ruin everything. You keep pretending that I’m a fucking ‘good guy’. Nah mate, I just don’t wanna fucking die when my little flesh prison, i.e. you, breaks and Ancitif is fucking free to live out his life in your body. He will wipe me fucking clean, and then he will use your body to do whatever fucking evil he wants. So fucking eat something or your body and mind will be too weak to hold up to his beatings.}  _

_ Fine. _ Virgil sighs and shakes his head, hearing Remy’s voice somewhere in the background.  _ Just… Scale first? _

_ {Go ahead. But then you eat.}  _ He makes his way into the bathroom on shaky legs. He shucks the shirt into the sink and pulls the scale out from underneath the cupboards with his toes, not risking another vision blackout. He steps on and takes a deep breath.  _ {You see. It’s safe to eat. You’ve lost too much, you’ll die soon.}  _ He pulls the shirt back on just as Remy bursts into the bathroom. 

“Toilet’s next door Rem.” Virgil giggles and pushes past him into the corridor.

“Why weren’t you answering me? Virge, what the fuck?” Virgil observes Remy’s face through a thin white veil.  _ He seems… Less angry and more… Concerned? Yeah concerned. _

_ {Back to reality, oh there goes gravity.} _ Virgil gives a soft giggle and hides his mouth with his hand, holding the elbow with the other. 

“Virgil, is it Leo?”

“No it’s Eminem.” Virgil giggles again at Remy’s aghast face.

“Who?”

“Ok boomer.” He sticks his tongue out and runs down the stairs. He pulls out a packet of frozen vegetables and throws them into the microwave to steam them. Remy makes it to the counter a few seconds after Virgil.

“Virgil.” Virgil’s eyes can’t focus on Remy’s face, Remy’s hands gripping his shoulders tight enough to cause more bruising. Virgil watches the breeze blow the leaves softly in their branches through the puppet show shadows. He’s shaking. Goosebumps are running up and down his arms and his lips are starting to go numb as he feels himself start being lowered to ground level, Remy’s swearing and words of reassurance lost to some sort of staticky buzz. He watches a bird fly past the window. W _ ell, above the window. The angle from here looks different. And it’s obvious the bird is super high up.  _ He closes his eyes and allows the staticky buzz finally translate to crashing waves against the cliff he’s standing on top of. They call his name through currents and crashes and dying foam.

He jumps.

Patton’s face is the first thing he sees as he comes back. “You passed out kiddo. When was the last time you ate?” Virgil feels the arms wrapped around his waist, feels the knees his head is resting on and sits up, Remy giving a soft sigh. Virgil looks at Patton, tears welling in his eyes at his dad’s kind smile. He doesn’t answer. Patton sighs and pulls out the steamed vegetables from the microwave, insistent beeping coming to a stop. “Fifty seven? Virgil, this isn’t even an eighth of a normal meal.” Patton drops the plastic bag with the plastic looking vegetables onto a plate. Virgil watches the steam rise from the rejected bag. “We’re getting to at least five hundred today. I know you haven’t eaten in what? Two or three days?” Virgil lies with a nod, knowing that Patton would just get angry if Virgil told him the truth. _ Will never got angry with us about that. He wanted us to go as long as we could, remember Leo?  _ Leo stays silent, fuming in a recess. “So, I promise you, you won’t gain any weight from this. It’ll take five times that to make an impact, and even then, you’d only gain fifty grams.” Patton kneels down in front of Virgil. “You deserve to eat. You don’t need to punish yourself. I love you and care about you and I just want you to be healthy.” Virgil feels a tear leak out and down his cheek. 

“Okay.” He says in a small voice and Remy gives him a soft squeeze of reassurance. Virgil nods and Patton helps him up and to the table. Virgil briefly meets eyes with Dee, half-way down the stairs and watching from behind the handrail. His vision is too blurred to notice the tears down Dee’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooohhhh beeech i namedropped Virgil's demonnnnn Ancitif is a diiiiiiick


	6. Gold Door Handle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there's a breakup in here and Patton realising that he did a little oopsie between July and late September and Ro gets overshare-y and manages to drag out a TINY piece of info from Virge about his past.
> 
> (Henlo, I was out of the country for a lil while, but I have returned now uwu,  
Imma try and post a new chapter every Sunday, however that may be subject to my daily breakdowns aha)

Virgil slides into the seat opposite Roman at roll call the next day with a faux pout. “You didn’t text me.”

Roman gives a soft laugh, rubbing the back of his head as he tries to come up with something smart to say. “I um… Fell asleep? Sorry.”  _ Wow, fucking smooth mate. _

Virgil scrunches his nose at the response. “Ooft, you’re super hit and miss eh?” Roman gives a soft huff and shrugs.

“Well, I’m like butter.”

“Gross and cold?” Virgil offers.

“Smooth in the right conditions.” Roman corrects with a scolding finger. “Here, I’ll text you right now.” Roman pulls out his phone, learning by now that Mrs. Jones’ disapproving glares mean next to nothing. 

_ ‘Hey, let’s go out after school tomorrow’ _

Virgil rolls his eyes and gives a smirk. “Okay, so is this a text from yesterday that took like twelve hours to send?”

“Yup.”

“So if I accept, that would mean going out today?” Virgil looks Roman up and down, trying to hide his smile behind a more acceptable smirk.

“Exactly.” Roman nods in mock sobriety. “We’re going to go to Woolworths, I’m getting us an energy drink each and some snacks and then you take us to hang out somewhere quiet and fun.”  _ {You get no more than 800 today. It’s high restriction so Anticif should be fine, and Patton will most likely still be super strict with your eating for the next few days.} _ "Okay so um… are you gonna…?" Virgil rolls his eyes and starts drumming his fingers on the table, waiting for Roman to spit it the fuck out. "Fuck, um sorry, are you gonna eat something today?" Virgil sighs and lets his hand slip off the table.

"Mate, um, I'm not quite sure." Virgil gives a small smile to try and appease his conversation partner.  _ {It's alright, he doesn't know about yesterday, he can't use it against you.}  _ "Like, I ate dinner yesterday and I'm still… still not okay to be completely honest." Roman seems to accept that. He nods quietly and looks down at his hands folded below the desk. 

"How  _ was _ yesterday? Like… are you okay? Are you  _ safe?" {Oh fuck, did Remy spill? Shit lmao.}  _ "Like… you were still pretty off when I left?"

Virgil shoots out the breath he didn't realise he was holding in a soft laugh. "Oh  _ that.  _ Yeah nah, don't worry, I'll bounce back in like a couple of days." 

Roman gives a soft smile and nods. "I'm glad." There's a small awkward pause as Roman tries to muster up the courage to ask what's been on his mind for the entirety of last night. "So…" He starts slowly, Virgil's eyes flicking back up to meet with his.  _ Is it just me or was there a little spark?  _ Roman thinks to himself and that's all he needed to blurt out, "Are you and Remy back together? And if not, can we make this hangout a date?" Virgil rubs the back of his head, trying his hardest to not meet eyes with Roman, opting instead for eye contact with Mrs Jones' only redeeming feature (the green stuffed turtle sat on her desk).

"Um…" He forces out a soft laugh. "I'd love to but… um… Look, Ro," Virgil forces himself to make eye contact with Roman now instead of the turtle. "I'm  _ fucked up _ ." 

Roman laughs. "I know that."

"No but it's worse than you think." Virgil says firmly. "The only reason Remy hasn't left me yet is guilt." He looks down at the table, trying to keep the flood back, his memories beating against the dam he built in the children's ward.  _ {Okay fuck it, I take it back, keep him around. Fuck him if you want to, just get rid of Remy. He knows how to make you eat.} _

"It's alright Virge." Roman says softly, his fingers gently tracing Virgil's hand, the latter's head shooting up at the touch. "I'm not exactly neurotypical either, I  _ am _ at this school aren't I?" 

Virgil gives a soft huff. "Okay." He says softly. "It's a date." Roman gives a giant grin.

Virgil pulls out his phone in Society and Culture. 

_ 'Rem we need to talk' _

He places his phone face up on the desk and turns his attention back to the doco Logan put up for the class to take notes. The reply comes within a few minutes.

_ '?' _

Virgil takes a deep breath and starts typing. 

_ 'We have been doing whatever it is we're doing together for a really long time and i dunno if you can tell, but i'm really not okay with doing this anymore because i wanna explore my romantic options more and since we're not exclusive or anything anymore, i think it's best for us to stop fucking and just be normal friends'  _

Virgil reads over the text a few times before deleting almost all of it. 

_ 'i think it's best for us to just be friends' _

He sends it before he can change his mind. Remy doesn't answer straight away. Virgil watches the interviewer lady ask strangers on the street a bunch of questions about abortion and pregnancy. 

_ 'is it him?'  _

_ 'Virge he doesnt know you the way i do'  _

_ 'he cant love you how i do' _

Virgil sighs, tears pooling in his eyes.  _ {Hey I never said dropping him would be easy.}  _

_ 'It's both of you'  _

_ 'I don't love you the way you want but i'm interested in him that way'  _

_ 'For fuck's sake rem we've broken up a long time ago'  _

_ 'You've dated and fucked at least twenty guys since then'  _

_ 'I just want to have someone be able to love me and be happy with just me' _

The reply is faster than he expected, bitterness seeping from the screen.

_ 'you dont love me?' _

Virgil sighs, trying to find a way to placate his best friend.

_ 'I love you like a friend rem'  _

_ 'I haven't ever been able to love you the way you want me to' _

_ {Holy shit Virge, that’s savage.} _

_ 'so you just used me for sex' _

_ {I like it.} _

_ 'No remy'  _

_ 'I just let you fuck me whenever you needed it'  _

_ 'I've only initiated anything with you when we were dating'  _

_ 'After that I let you fuck me after breakups or when you were sad or when you were just bored and wanted a hole' _

_ {Destroy him.} _

_ 'why now? why do this when we had a good system going?' _

Virgil scoffs and types out his responses, his index fingernail hitting the screen with loud taps.

_ 'For fuck's sake Remy i dissociated every time with you'  _

_ 'Like i always needed an escape because i didn't fucking want to fuck you'  _

He picks up the phone and starts typing with two thumbs. 

_ 'Yesterday was the worst it's been for a while and i actually fucking snapped'  _

_ 'I don't want to do this anymore'  _

_ 'I don't want to force myself to fuck someone who can't even see when i need to be brought back to reality, into my own body, but can only see what his cock needs' _

Another few minutes pass and Virgil's tears have already broken free of the dam, trickling down the stone faced wall. 

_ 'Okay.' _

Logan meets eyes with Virgil, takes visual note of the tears and holds up a thumbs up with eyebrows upturned in questioning. Logan has always been good to the kids and Virgil is no exception. (Rumour has it that he asked for a transfer to this school after his son killed himself eleven years ago to keep other kids from getting hurt. The more vicious rumours add that he used to be an alcoholic and beat his son until he couldn't take it anymore and bled out in their shower. Virgil never believed that second bit.) 

Virgil shakes his head twice and Logan stands up and slips out of the classroom with Virgil not far behind. 

"Okay," Logan starts, clearing his throat, "first on the agenda, are you safe for after school today?" Virgil nods, the date with Roman glowing in the distance like the sunrise after an especially long night. "Good, good I'm glad. Are you okay to go to the rest of your classes today or would you like to take a break until recess?" Virgil hesitates. "Okay, how about I write you up that note to stay in Wellbeing anyways and you can decide what you want to do after we have a little chat?"

"That sounds good." Virgil says quietly.

"Alright, so... what's going on Virgil?" Logan says in his most sympathetic tone.

"Remy." Logan nods. "We started dating in year eight but broke up early September last year and then… well you remember, right?" Logan nods again, lips pressed together in a forced smile, trying to smile away the way Patton sobbed in his arms every night the few weeks after Virgil's attempt. "He visited me in the hospital every time visiting hours were open and he'd apologise every time, he couldn't stop crying the first few visits." Virgil starts tearing up in the second wave of tears. 

"When I got out, he wanted to keep fucking me but also have other boyfriends, and he'd never put a label on what we were doing. But he was never able to keep a guy for longer than a few weeks because he always had to check on me or would prioritise me over the other guy while all the while telling me that we were just a casual thing and he was always aggressive to any guys who showed even the slightest interest in me, always scared them away and now he's telling me that  _ I'm _ the one that used  _ him  _ and he's picking and choosing what words to listen to and -" Virgil gasps in a breath as a sob tears its way out of his throat. 

"And he's leaving me and I'm going to be alone again and I can't handle-" Virgil gasps in another breath, staggering back to have a wall support. His lips start to tingle again, fingertips going numb as his heart starts to jackhammer against his ribs. _{We're gonna be alone again. We're gonna be alone again. No one will ever love us. No one will be there for us. We're alone again. Just like we were with Will.} _Leo talks much faster, harsh words sewn together with sharp sounds Virgil can't identify. Virgil sees a fist fly through the air and land squarely on his jaw. (Or was that a flashback?) A muffled berating, screamed somewhere far away floats past and Virgil clenches his fist tight, digging his nails into the soft flesh of his palm. _It's just a panic attack Virgil. You'll be safe if you can just bring yourself back._

He shakily traces the carpet.  _ Okay so you're on the floor. _ He runs his fingers down the plaster wall. He opens his eyes. Logan is crouched in front of him mouthing something. The green classroom door has the number 7 painted on in gold. The handle is also gold. He focuses on Logan's mouthing. 'Virgil', he lip reads. Then there's a bunch of other words. He looks around a little more, paying more attention this time. The paint on the door is flaking off, Leo is starting to shut up, his voice shaky and like he's underwater. 'Virgil, count to three.' He manages to put together after several seconds of thinking hard. He starts off shakily, forcing himself back closer to the moment. "I'm- I'm sorry…" Virgil forces his breath back to normal, breaths peppered with whispered apologies and breaths that got caught travelling against the stream. 

By the time he's back, Logan is knelt down in front of him and watching him carefully, whispering soft reassurances. "O-okay, I'm back." Virgil says slowly, learning to use his body again.

"Virgil, would you like me to call Patton to pick you up?"

"He's… He's at work." Virgil feels his tears start to well up and watches carefully for any negative reaction from his teacher.

"Okay, do you want to go to Wellbeing?"

Virgil nods slowly. "What do you think I should do? About Remy I mean?" 

Logan gives a sigh before he stands up and helps Virgil do the same. "Well… I'm not certain. Patton and I were under the impression that he was your boyfriend. So he seems to like you enough. On the other hand, you're telling me that he doesn't call your relationship… well a  _ relationship _ , so…" Logan takes a few seconds to think, quickly nodding at a passing teacher. "Try and keep him your friend. He… He obviously can't force himself to leave you and you just had an anxiety attack just thinking about him leaving, so-" Logan is interrupted by the bell for next period screaming through the corridors. "Just wait here for a bit while I dismiss the class?" Virgil nods and waits, awkwardly obscuring his face from the onslaught of his classmates. 

The rest of school passes by uneventfully. Logan broke the school rules and didn't report Virgil's breakdown (which he will always be grateful for) so no teacher pestered him with their pity. His last class was Drama with Roman.

"I only have seven minutes of a script and I'm stuck as fuck." Virgil turns to Roman and sighs as the bell goes off for the end of the day. "Like, my storyline is all in the script, I've written all I wanted to." They walk out of the classroom with a yelled "Thanks Miss!" from Virgil.

"Oh shit really? I need to cut out a lot. Have you thought about adding more character development? Like a backstory or something?"

Virgil scrunches his nose up in response. 

"Don't like character development?" Roman gives a little huff and Virgil laughs back. 

"Nah, it's just… ah fuck how about we just proofread each others'?" Roman gives a little laugh and rubs the back of his head as Virgil leans on the roof of his Corola.

"Oh wow we're at  _ that _ level already?" Roman tries the door but it doesn't budge. 

"Oh shit sorry." Virgil clicks the car open and Roman slides into the front seat, Virgil slipping into the driver’s seat. "And I mean… I kinda desperately need some help with it." He looks over at Roman with a pout and the recipient has to bury his face in his hands in order to not show the blush that's crept onto his cheeks. "Ro, please bail me out mate." Virgil says, still with that put on pout, moving his face even closer to Roman's. He uncovers his face and sighs with a flourish of his hand. 

"Okay fine, I'll rescue you." He jokingly furrows his brows. "But you're  _ not  _ reading mine." Virgil smirks and starts the car.

"That means that I'm gonna be the one to get us the energy drinks. You know, as a thanks." He says as he's looking back, pulling out of the student parking. 

Roman rolls his eyes and looks out his side window. "Nup, I'm getting them. Father's filthy rich and I have unlimited access to his credit card because he can't parent me."

"No it's okay, I don't wanna use your dad." Virgil flashes a quick smile as he turns back to the road. 

"Please do. It's the only way he notices me at this point. He might actually look at me if I go over the limit." Virgil gives a soft scoff.

"Well, if you insist." Vigil turns down the volume of the sad playlist. "So you wanna go to the park after Woolies? Because I really don't feel like being in public view any longer than necessary aha." Roman looks back with a smile, faking it to try and hide his disappointment.

"So the date's not happening?" Virgil's eyes widen as he scans the road and he flashes a quick aghast look at Roman.

"What? No, no, of course not, I was just gonna invite you over to my house, 'cause you've already been there and it's totally not weird anymore right? Please tell me it's not weird anymore." Roman laughs and pokes Virgil gently.

"It's not weird anymore." The music quickly fades out and then back to its regular volume. "But that is, what the hell was that?" 

"Oh it's a text, probably from Dad. Like I'm on Bluetooth right now?" Roman nods quickly in a show of comprehension. The rest of the drive passes in idle chatter neither will remember after getting out and they drink their energy drinks in silence on the way to Virgil's house. 

"Hey Dad! Roman's here again." He yells out, quietening down after he sees Patton sat down at the breakfast bar. 

Patton gives his son a small but kind smile. "Hey kiddo, can I talk to you really quickly?" He gives Roman the same smile. "Hi again Roman, do you mind waiting in Virgil's room?" Roman nods and exchanges worried glances with Virgil.

Patton waits for Roman to disappear again and then turns to Virgil, voice soft and unaccusing. "Logan told me you had a panic attack today. About Remy." Virgil sighs and sits down next to Patton. "When did you guys break up? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Early September last year." Patton sucks in a quick breath.

"Is that why…?" Patton makes a vague motion with his hand. Virgil understands and feel a knife stab and twist into his chest, guilt pulsing through his spine to his skull for hurting his Dad.

"Part of it, yeah. It was what started everything else. I-" He hesitates, the thought of sharing such personal details making him woozy. "I was scared that I was going to be alone again."  _ {What the fuck are you doing? Stop it, for fuck's sake Virgil you're gonna fuck it all up.} Leo, it's Patton. He can't make us do anything.  _ "Like… He just threw all my feelings away and left a body he could use whenever he wanted, and I let him because I was scared that you would stop caring about me soon too and make me leave. You were just so distant and I was so scared so I let him fuck me and then we had that fight and I thought that that was it and that I had to leave in some way so I tried." Virgil keeps his tears at bay, staring at a piece of cerulean tile in the mosaic in the middle of the bar, so he can't see how Patton has two streams of tears running down his cheeks. He leans in for a hug, wrapping his arms around Virgil's skeletal frame. 

"Virgil, as long as Dee and I are alive, you are not alone. We love you unconditionally and you are my son now and I will always take care of you when you want and need me. I will never leave of my own will." He whispers and Virgil gives a soft nod to please him, still unconvinced and too scared to show he's scared. Patton pulls away and quickly wipes at his cheeks. "Well you should probably go hang out with Roman eh?" Patton gives a big grin, like they were just talking about Virgil's formal and the suit he wants to wear and not how Patton almost lost his son.

"Okay, see you later Dad." Virgil walks up to his room as Patton pours himself a glass of wine and pulls out his phone to text Logan, smile slowly slipping.

Roman spins the desk chair he’s adopted as a makeshift throne around as Virgil enters. He gives a broad flourish with his arm, comfortably reclines into the chair and crosses his legs. “I’ve been expecting you, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance.”

Virgil stops for a second. He looks Roman up and down, and once more for good measure, making sure that it’s actually Roman and not some shapeshifter. He purses his lips, desperately trying not to let out the laugh that’s building.

“Oh shut up Charlie Frown and let me read over your dumbass script. Have a laugh, it won’t kill you.” Virgil starts laughing, short puffs of air from his nose as he holds off the true laughter. 

He eventually calms enough to pass the notebook to Roman and throws himself onto his bed as Roman spins the chair back to the desk. “Can I write on this? Like do you have another copy?”

Virgil looks up. “What? Oh, yeah, red pen though please, it’s a mess as is.”

Roman opens the shoddy book. Had it not had a plastic cover and a spiral binding, it would be absolutely decimated. Roman thinks a thank-you to his borderline-obsessive desire to keep his belongings pristine,  _ totally not a control thing, what even is trauma? _

The handwriting also leaves much to be desired.  _ Who the fuck writes like this? It’s like elves domesticated a chicken to scribe their council meetings and I’m reading the minutes in Elvish. _

Virgil watches, careful to not raise any suspicion from his subject.  _ {Why do you like him Virge? He’s not really anything special. He’s just kinda… boring.}  _ Virgil pointedly ignores Leo, the voice not taking it to heart for once. He watches how Roman writes little, precise letters, the pen being gingerly guided into forming them. He watches how carefully Roman handles his work and a smile forms, his self-control powerless in the face of such a wholesome moment.

Twenty minutes later and Roman turns around, absentmindedly tucking the pen behind his ear. “Okay, so the story build-up is good, your writing is great, your characters are developed. I’m just… Left hollow at the end. Like there’s a little bit missing, like Derek didn’t finish something. I think the loose end you need to tie up is why does Derek behave this way? Why did he kill Lavinia? I understand their relationship, and I understand the abuse, but it just seems like such a jump and such a sudden ending. It just escalated a little too fast.” Roman stands up and sits down next to Virgil, having the book open so both could read it, him leaning over it, pulling the pen back out. He flips to a page near the middle of the script. “Like here,” he points to a bit of dialogue, “here Derek says that he’ll defend Lavinia, she’s his girlfriend and he loves her. And then,” he flips forward a few pages, “here he’s preparing to kill her. I like the idea of a twist of course, but it just seems too fast? I’d recommend a scene where he talks about the change. Like, tell me if he’s just lying, tell me if he changed his mind, and if he changed his mind, tell me  _ why.  _ I understand the shock factor, of course, of a sudden turnabout, but there is always a turning point, and excluding it makes the story seem unbelievable, even to an open-minded audience.” Virgil nods, carefully listening to everything Roman says.

“Okay, so I just need to add a scene or two more, about Derek’s mental state before killing her, and then the first draft is done?” Virgil asks slowly, carefully sitting up and crossing his legs.

“Yeah, yeah, like the foreshadowing is great, I was reading with a kind of grim feeling, knowing that Lavinia would die, but hoping she wouldn’t until the twist. The abuse is very interesting and something that I really didn’t expect from the way Derek talks about her. It’d make sense to maybe make Derek have some form or Stockholm or Battered Wife Syndrome, and have some kind of event snap him out of it.” Roman tucks the pen back behind his ear. “Your writing is really good though, I also really appreciate the blocking diagrams, they really help visualise the scene.”

Virgil gives a soft smile and tucks a stray lock of hair behind his ear. “Thanks for this Ro.” He says quietly. “I was too scared to ask Miss Elderton, but hey, I might actually pass the course now.” He gives a soft laugh.

“ _ Please _ , with my advice, you’re getting an A plus.” Roman raises his chin into a royal expression of superiority.

“Nah mate the highest here is an A, or an Outstanding. Or we just get a percentage or something.”

“Okay, I can deal with you getting an A. I guess.” Virgil scoffs. 

“Oh shut up, have you ever gotten below an A plus back in your shitty Floridian school?” Virgil gives Roman a little shove. “You’re too fucking smart for your own good Mr. Four-Unit-Maths. Mr. I-Have-Fourteen-Units-But-I’m-At-A-School-Designed-To-Take-Care-Of-My-Mental-Health.”

Roman folds his arms and scoffs right back, little humour left in his face. “Do you wanna know the truth?” He says, in a voice so different from his usual put-on self-confident and outgoing persona that Virgil gives a little flinch. The latter nods. “I only study because it’s the one thing I have left. Like… After recovery, after the move… All I have left is my academics and I can’t let it slip.” Virgil watches, shell-shocked as Roman continues. “My therapist back in Florida told me to keep studying so I can get out and go to college sooner, so I can start fresh and free, and so I could have something to distract myself from my current situation. Father only told me we were moving when he handed me the plane ticket and told me to pack my shit, so I had no time to plan, I had no control left. I ticked the subjects I wanted and Father transferred me to this school, one that Suzie recommended. He did no research on it. He just told me that I was moving to Sydney and that I’m going to this school now. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”

Virgil lets the conversation hang in the air, the aftermath of a gunshot, with the ringing in his ears making it hard to focus on Roman. “Fucking hell.” He manages to say to a sad smile from Roman.

“Fucking hell indeed.” He waits a few too many seconds to continue. “Shit I’m sorry, was that an overshare? I’m so sorry I-”

“It’s okay Ro. I like people who are open about their shit.” Virgil gives a soft smile and rubs Roman’s shoulder in support. “It’s refreshing from the norm of, well… me, I guess.” He huffs a small laugh.

“Well, I like people like you. One person, to be specific.” Roman says casually to a scoff from Virgil.

“Oh yeah? Well, what’s not to like about a kid overflowing with issues? Like yeah, they could die, and  _ yeah _ it’s hard to talk to them, but like… C’est la vie, amirite?” Roman rolls his eyes with a soft smirk.

“You’re cool Virge. You’re nice to me, you’re funny and you’re a fucking awesome writer. You don’t need to be so self-deprecating all the time, at least, not around me you don’t.” Virgil crosses his arms and pulls his shoulders in closer to himself.  _ Leo what do I do? {Do you want him?} I want a relationship with him, yeah. {Then go for it. He’ll be much better than Remy, that dickhead always tried to make you eat, but an ex-anorexic wouldn’t do that.} _

“Thanks.” Virgil says softly, his body still compacted, the instinct of being around a predator holding him in place. “You’re pretty cool too I guess.” He shrugs, playing with the loose strings from his open knee jeans like they’re suddenly the most interesting things in the world.

Roman gives him a grin and dramatically shrugs. “Talking to you is like trying to squeeze blood from a rock, I  _ swear _ , you’re not a human, but like… Some super smart alien who crash-landed on our planet and is trying to assimilate.”  _ {Oh shit he’s right, you really are a fucking weirdo who should just kill himself because you don’t belong. You see, I told you he’s perfect for you.} _

Virgil lays back down, gravity helping him keep the (frankly unwarranted) tears from spilling out. “I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to talk to me.” He gives a humourless scoff. “It really does feel like I’m not fully human sometimes. Like there’s this big chunk missing and it’s supposed to be my life’s mission to find it.” Roman lays down next to him noticing the glow in the dark stars Patton glued to the ceiling a while back. “But I gave that mission up because where my spaceship crashing was too dangerous to think about anything but survival.” Roman turns to look at him.

“Was Patton abusive when you were younger?” He asks softly and Virgil shakes his head with a watery smile, still refusing to look at Roman.

“Oh no, god no, I’m adopted. He was my first foster parent and he didn’t mind taking care of me as a permanent placement. Then last June he adopted me as a son.” Virgil wipes at his eyes quickly. “That’s when we put the stars up. He wanted me to remember that he’d always be there for me whenever I needed him.” He thinks back to September and speaks far slower. “There was a tree. It covered my windows so almost no sun would come in, and the stars got duller and duller the first few weeks. Eventually they were gone. Then… Well, then September happened and we cut the tree down when I got out.”

“Why did you need a foster home?” Roman asks again, maintaining the soft tone and gentle, unthreatening presence of the first question.

Virgil gives a laugh and wipes away more escaped tears. “Fucking hell, Ro, I thought we were on a date not in a therapy session.”

Roman huffs a soft laugh. “Why not both?”

“My mum died giving birth to me, and my father died in a car accident when I was eleven. I thought he was just on a business trip but he didn’t leave any money and we-”  _ {Don’t tell him about the food. He’ll keep it and use it against us later.}  _ “-and I was left alone for a few days, I went to school, came back, and on the fifth day, police officers knocked on the door with a social worker, told me my father was dead and the worker brought me to Patton.” Virgil finally looks at Roman who had just opened his mouth to ask the next question. “And yes, I know what you’re about to ask. Yes it was dangerous. The why is Silent Hill, but you’re pretty intelligent so I’m sure you can connect the dots and I’ll spare you the gory details. But I need you to keep that information to yourself.” Virgil stares directly into Roman’s eyes and the latter can’t help but be intimidated by the dichotomy of such an intense stare and such a fragile body. “It is very personal for me, and we should not speak ill of the dead.”

Roman nods and Virgil, seeming satisfied, turns back around to look at the stars. "Does Patton know?" Roman asks quietly after a long silence. 

Virgil shakes his head. "No. No one knows." He supplements. "I haven't told the social workers or Patton or Remy."

"But why? Surely you'd get better help if you told somebody?" Roman watches Virgil with disbelief. 

"Well, I'm not allowed to get help." Virgil says simply. "If I try and get or accept help, then bad things would happen. I'd never risk the lives of those I love for something as selfish as a small chance at recovery."

"It's not selfish to want to live your life." Roman rests a hand on Virgil's shoulder and the boy scoffs in response.

"It is when people can die because of your failed attempts at recovery."  _ {Virgil, you need to shut the fuck up right now.}  _

Roman doesn't answer right away. 

And when all the answers he could give fall apart as he is ready to say them, he doesn't answer at all. 

"So, do you still wanna do dates and stuff?" Virgil asks, a carefully placed laugh masking just how scared of the answer he is.

"Yeah. You're not your past, and the current you seems pretty.. neat. So yeah, doing dates and stuff sounds great." Roman gives a soft smile to Virgil rolling his eyes. Virgil gives him a little shove, not hearing the second buzz from his phone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!! I'm actually sticking to the schedule?? Anyways, I now have an [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/chemicalpanic_writes/?hl=en) and I'm in the process of setting up a Patreon!
> 
> In this chapterrr  
Relationships are solidified!

A month passes, April bleeding into May. Virgil wears two jackets every day, but that doesn’t stop the chill from carving a way into his bones, his fingertips and the edges of his lips tinting with a light wash of blue. The first time Patton noticed, he had to sleep over at Logan’s, sobbing the entire night, begging for Logan to talk to his son, to try and talk some  _ sense _ into him. Logan couldn’t find the words.

When Roman noticed, he knew too. He quietly asked Virgil if he was okay with receiving a hug, and after the affirmative, Roman held him as close as he could. He said that everything will be okay, and that he’s never alone. (Leo affirmed the latter sentiment).

Virgil stops doing his homework. Slowly, but surely, the workflow stops. First he puts off English until tomorrow, then again the next day, sending Maths into the same exile, until everything he has to do, he says to himself that he’ll do tomorrow.

He wakes up one morning to the smell of a new cologne.  _ {It’s Will Virge. He’s back, and he’s going to take you back.}  _ A fist forms around his chest and squeezes, his throat tight with tears and lungs vehemently rejecting any sort of input from their surroundings. Someone lays a hand on his chest, something he  _ knows _ can’t be real, something he  _ knows _ must be another hallucination and he has to wrench himself out of bed, throwing the owner of the hand off the bed with a soft thud as their head hits the wooden floor. He barely makes it to the bathroom before he violently heaves burning water into the porcelain bowl. Throwing up again and again, until everything he has ever contained comes flashing back all at once, tears mixing with spittle and stomach acid as he sobs out his insides.

The hand comes back, this time on both his shoulders and much stronger, holding him down, the cold tile tearing into his ankles and knees and his insides are ripped out again, through a scream and throat full of razor blades, and he screams and sobs, the hands holding him back from escape, from getting away from this horrible, wretched cologne soaked body, and he scratches at the hands, pulling at them to try and  _ get the fuck away _ .

Patton is sobbing as well, his son not able to hear the reassurance he is desperately trying to give. Dee is stood at the door frame, mouth and nose covered as he watches Virgil through the torrent of tears flooding his vision, running through all his options in his head, looking for the best way to help his family out of… whatever Virgil is in.

Slowly, Virgil’s body goes limp, the only sign of life being the tears silently running down his cheeks. Patton waits a few more minutes after the onset, and then stands up, gently placing Virgil into his bed. Dee follows, lying down next to Virgil and pulling him into a hug, holding him, protecting him, anything really, to try and feel useful.

Virgil wakes up again, properly this time, an hour later. The smell is gone. Patton looks at him kindly, tears now under control. “Hey kiddo, how are you feeling now?” Virgil sits up, Dee getting out of bed and sitting at the foot of his bed.

“You had us  _ extremely _ worried Virgil. What was that?” Dee says quietly. Virgil looks at them both in turn with a blank stare.

“What… happened.” He confirms with them, swaying slightly as he turns his head back and forth. “I was… asleep?” The red marks on Patton’s arms catching his attention after the third scan of the man’s face. Dee’s face looks blotchy, like he’s been crying. “Fuck, did something happen?”

“Virge, you woke up and started doing these… these heavy, uneven breaths. I put a hand on you to try and ground you, but you freaked out and bolted.”

“It was fucking scary.” Dee adds, his volume stuck at low. “You vomited. You vomited a lot and you were crying and then Dad tried to keep you safe and you screamed and-”

“It was scary.” Patton cuts Dee off and folds his arms, uninjured hiding the majority of the injured.

“Did I scratch you?” Virgil asks, tears welling in his eyes at the mere thought.

“You weren’t present Virge. Don’t blame yourself.” Patton says kindly, the words doing nothing to the swelling wave of guilt that crashes over Virgil.  _ {All you do is hurt people you love. You haven't spoken to Remy for a month, you've been mulling about the relationship status thing Roman was asking about. And you fucking injured your dad. What a fucking tosser you are mate.} _ “I don’t think you should go to school today.”

“No, I want to.” Virgil says softly.

“I  _ really  _ don’t think you should go out today. I’m home all day, so you can call me if you need anything or need to talk, okay?”

“I’m going to go get ready for school Dad.” Dee says quietly and gives Virgil a quick kiss on the cheek. “Take care of yourself Virge. I like our hissing competitions.” He smiles like he can’t feel the tears streaming down his face and leaves quickly, the scales of his snake head slippers catching the light as he does.

“Are you going to sleep at Logan’s again today Dad?” Virgil subconsciously keeps his tone as polite as he can, the aftershocks of the… whatever that was, still shaking through his veins, even without the memories of the event.

“No kiddo, he’s coming to us tonight." Patton gives a soft smile. "We're gonna drink wine and play monopoly, you know, like normal couples." Virgil gives a small polite nod.  _ {Virge, it's okay, you're safe.}  _ Leo says softly. "You can play too if you wanna, Dee's already agreed and Roman is also invited."

"Okay, I'll ask." Virgil says and Patton gives his hand a soft squeeze. 

"I'm here all day if you need a chat." Patton leaves and softly closes the door.

Virgil lays in silence for a while. "Leo, I want to tell him about Will." He says after an extended period of watching the cars that pass by his window.

_ {Why? He can't help you.} _

"He got really scared today and I… I just want to give him a reason. I had an episode again, right?" Virgil nods at the affirmative silence. "If he knows why, maybe he can protect himself better next time." 

_ {He's going to try and help, you realise that right?} _

"It's  _ Patton _ Leo. He's still scared from September. He wouldn't force me anywhere, he can't do that anymore."

_ {As you wish, but hold your ground if he offers therapy. We don't need that.} _

Virgil spends the next two hours sorting through his memories, arranging them in chronological order, crafting an introduction and conclusion, and when he's ready, he walks down the stairs, not bothering to change out of his pyjamas. 

"Hey Dad?" Virgil sits down opposite Patton at the dinner table. Patton reshuffles the papers he's working on to make room.

"Nah I prefer fresh grass, I get too thirsty after hay." Virgil smiles softly but doesn't laugh. Patton reaches a hand out to his son, who takes it and squeezes it as tight as he can to avoid crying. "What's going on Kylo Friend?" Patton says tenderly and the dramatic speech Virgil had put together dissipates and he's left teary and speechless. He tries to piece himself back together.  _ {Look, Dad is getting annoyed, he's done with your bullshit. For fuck's sake Virgil.}  _ It doesn't work. Patton takes a deep breath to push the jagged ball of fear and concern down from his throat and fakes a smile. "You don't need to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. We can just keep pretending if you want, we can keep pretending for now." Virgil looks up at Patton, eyes glistening with tears but a kind smile still affixed to his features. "I can keep pretending that you're not dying and you can keep pretending that I don't know about the anorexia and the self harm and the voices. Dee can keep pretending that he doesn't really care about you and that the sound of your sobs doesn't tear him to shreds every night. We can keep pretending that everything is okay. But that means that you will kill yourself." Virgil purses his lips, a tear spilling from his eye. "Virgil, do you want to die?" His voice is gentle, no accusation in the tone, only the crippling sadness of the father of a dying kid.

"I don't know Dad. I… I'm scared." Virgil wipes at a tear with the palm of his free hand. "I don't wanna think about it."  _ {He doesn't either. Just let him let you die. It's clearly what he'd prefer. Pretending will cause him less pain than having to face the fact that you're dying.} _

"Virgil, I love you just the same as Dee. You're my son and I love you so much, and I hate seeing you in pain."  _ {Let him be blind then.}  _ Patton starts crying too, tears streaming down his face but his soft smile doesn't fade. "I want to do right by you. You're a young adult now and I don't want to force you to do anything. You need to make the choice yourself."  _ {Choose me Virgil. You know you will. You always have. You need me. You'll always need me.} I do. I need you. {He wants to keep pretending anyways. We can't be selfish and hurt him.} _

"I… Let's keep pretending." Patton deflates. He feels his stomach somewhere near his toes. His lips go numb. The smile still doesn't fail.

"Okay Virgil, I'll see you at Monopoly?" He says in a choked off whisper and Virgil stands up and lets go of Patton's hand. As soon as Virgil climbs the stairs and closes his door, Patton starts sobbing. 

"Hey Roman, Virgil's in his room. We're playing Monopoly later this evening, do you wanna stay for dinner and destruction?" Roman laughs and slips his sneakers off.

"Hi Patton." Roman gives him a hug. "I love dinner and destruction."

"Great!" Patton beams and Roman makes his way up to Virgil's room.

"Hey Creepy Cookie. Your dad just invited me for dinner and destruction." Roman tears the curtains open (to a very distinct hiss from Virgil hiding under his doona) and drops his bag at the door.

"He has a boyfriend don't get any ideas." Virgil calls out, still not emerging from his blanket nest.

Roman crawls into the nest. "Hi." 

Virgil taps his nose with a single finger. "Boop the snoot." Roman pokes his tongue out to a soft giggle from Virgil.

“So what are we doing under here Marilyn Morose?” Roman jokes, wrapping his arms around Virgil when the latter doesn’t laugh but just slots himself into Roman’s arms. “Oh shit okay, we not just chillin’?”

“No Ro.” Virgil sniffles. “We not just chillin’.” Roman pulls him in closer.

“Do you wanna… like talk about it or something?”

“Not really.” Virgil sighs into Roman’s dress shirt.  _ It’s gonna get all wrinkly after this and he’ll have to iron it again.  _ “But I will.” He starts quietly. “I woke up in a flashback or panic attack or something, I asked Dee and Leo but they don’t know what’s going on. I threw Dad off my bed, and then I scratched one of his arms open, apparently trying to get free. Dee said I was throwing up and screaming, but I just can’t understand why.”

Roman pulls Virgil in closer. “You don’t remember what caused it?”

“I don’t even remember it happening. Like, I thought that if Dee told me what happened, then I’ll remember that rest by myself, but there’s nothing there.” Virgil gives a soft huff. “It feels like I’m losing my mind.”

“Well, I think that train’s long gone,” Virgil lets out a soft laugh. “But we can always try and fix whatever’s left.”

Virgil hesitates, the warm cocoon he’s buried himself into making it easier to play into the lie Roman is trying to sell.  _ {Don’t do it Virgil. I understand it hurts, but we can’t give up so soon. We’re almost there. Anticif is almost dead.} _

“So am I.” He says softly and Roman pulls Virgil in closer again. 

“Don’t listen to him Virge. He’s not the one who wants what’s best for you. Patton, Remy, Dee and I do. We love you so much.”

Virgil scoffs. “Don’t do this.” He says quietly. “You’re not the first to try and kill him. No one gets to kill him.”

“We can get you help.” Roman continues insistently, holding Virgil even tighter. “We can do outpatient care, we can get you to a great specialist,  _ we can get you help _ .”

_ {Shut this down Virge. Tell him about the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing, that might do the trick.} _

“I want to be exclusive with you. I want you to be my boyfriend.” Roman takes a shaky breath.

“Don’t distract me-”

“I’m not distracting you. You came in here and I was gonna ask but then you shifted the conversation.” Virgil pouts and despite the low visibility, it melts Roman.

“O-okay then I guess? I mean… Only if you want to though?”

“I do. I think you’re neat.” Virgil says resolutely, directing an internal death glare at Leo, celebrating his continued reign. “And after reviewing your conscripted visual novel progression, I believe that you are a strong candidate for the position.”  _ {You sound like Logan if he got a sense of humour. Like that’s probably how he and Patton got together, you realise that right?}  _

“I am honoured to accept this offer Mr Harrison.” Roman smirks and plants a soft kiss onto Virgil’s forehead. “I hope our agreement will be beneficial for the both of us.” Virgil rolls his eyes.

“You fucking know it will be.” Virgil smirks right back and Roman giggles. 

“You know… I haven’t had a boyfriend for a long time. So forgive me if my initial performance is unsatisfactory.”

“Oh we’re continuing this are we?” Virgil says as an aside to an invisible audience, an act that Roman seems to be  _ deeply _ excited by. “Well Mr Keenes, I have a confession to make myself. My first and only relationship has been with a certain Remy Sanders. No relation of course, to Patton Sanders, my paternal figure. The relationship with this individual, one Remy Sanders, has not been an exemplary model of a healthy and dynamic partnership, therefore, I must confess that my experience may also not be up to snuff. I believe that this commonality will only strengthen our continued relations.” Roman grins.

“Holy shit you’re good at this.”

“Years of classwork being my only reason to live help. Also, you’ll meet my step-dad today and he helped too.” Virgil forces the thoughts of the mountains of incomplete homework and assignments out to Leo. He promptly sets them on fire.

“Speaking of classwork, do you mind if I work on my Physics? I’m a little behind on my schedule, and the assignment’s due in two weeks.” Roman asks quickly and Virgil nods, giving Roman one last squeeze before he disengages and climbs out of the bed. “I’m setting up on your desk.” Roman calls out.

“A’ight.”

Roman opens up his laptop and starts typing away at some document that is even formatted in a gross way (Physics is disgusting). Virgil climbs out from under the blanket and sits up to just watch for a good half-hour how smoothly Roman types, how his fingers glide over the keyboard. How before any punctuation, he does some sort of special movement, (a quick circle with his index finger before a full stop, a light pre-tap on the comma key with his thumb before the finishing blow of actually pressing the button). How he slides his thumb over the Enter key while pressing it for a new paragraph. It’s like a dance. Virgil likes watching the dance. 

_ ‘hey v’ _

_ ‘how are you’ _

Virgil checks his phone to two texts from Remy. Two texts after a single ‘okay’ a month ago. He considers answering. He considers what he could even write as an answer, ‘hey Remy, I’m great, I’m dating Roman now, fuck off’? He considers not answering.  _ Yup that’s a good option. We gonna ignore. _

He plays on his phone until Roman’s done with his homework. “Okay, so I’m a week ahead on my Physics and four days ahead on my English. Did you get to editing the Drama script?” It’s dark by the time Roman starts talking again. He turns the lights on before throwing himself back down onto the bed. 

“Yes Mr Keenes, I have edited it.” He says in a monotone, bored student voice.

“Good job then Virgil. I expect it on my desk by Monday.” Roman lies down at a diagonal, with his head resting on Virgil’s thighs and unlocks his phone. 

“It’s almost Monopoly time.” Virgil says to the yawn Roman gives.

“Shit really?” He glances at the time on his phone. “It’s like not even six, y’all can’t have dinner this early.”

“Well, we have like an hour. But it’s still  _ almost  _ Monopoly time.” Virgil brushes some hair off Roman’s forehead. “Do you wanna have a nap?” Roman gives another yawn, but waves off Virgil’s proposition. 

“I’ll be fine, I’ll just like.. Chug a coffee pot.” Virgil scoffs.

“Mood.” 

“I know right.” Roman opens up Tumblr as Virgil keeps playing with his hair. Roman only discovered that Virgil liked playing with his hair a week ago. During another hang-out session that was only kind of a date, Roman jokingly threw himself down onto Virgil’s lap the same way he’s laying down now. Virgil instinctively gave Roman a soft pat, exclaiming how soft his hair was afterwards, to a self-satisfied grin and permission for infinite hair-playing from Roman.

Roman ended up drifting off to sleep ten minutes after the conversation.

Virgil takes it upon himself, his royal duty as guardian of the prince, to play with his hair and take several unflattering pictures of his sleeping boyfriend, just as any royal guardian must do. Remy texts him again, but it’s a text Virgil just can’t muster up the energy to read. He continues playing with Roman’s hair until it’s time to wake him up for Monopoly.

“Oh, my little lovebirds finally come down for Dinner and Destruction!” Patton claps excitedly as Virgil drags the still half-asleep Roman down the stairs. “Logan isn’t here yet.”

“But I am. And I will  _ obviously  _ win this pathetic competition.” Dee says with his usual flair, the soft-spoken, terrified boy of the morning no more. Virgil gives a hiss, to which Dee responds with the same.

“Well, we have a new player this round, and if Roman wins, then I’m claiming his victory to my name, as I invited him.” 

Patton places the roast potatoes onto the table, with a small wince. “Well  _ technically  _ I invited him, so his win will be going onto my side of the leaderboard.”

“But he’s my boyfriend.” Roman plops down into a chair and rubs his eyes.

“I think all y’all are expecting a little too much from me here, I’m pretty shit at Monopoly.” Patton laughs.

“We play back-stabbing and rhetoric Monopoly. So we start with no money and have to talk our way out of situations. Virgil’s usually the banker and we have to convince him to give us the property or evade tax somehow. Once everyone passes GO, we usually would use that money for tax if we don’t wanna be tax evaders.”

“They always wanna be tax evaders.” Virgil rolls his eyes and sits down next to Roman. “I live in a family of criminals.”

“We love you.” Patton drags out the ‘you’ and places a big plate of steamed vegetables next to the potatoes. 

“So how do you win?” Roman asks after Patton dumps the roast on the table.

“Well, when you have nothing to trade and no money and you fail a persuasion attempt, you’re out of the game. When everyone else is out of the game, you win.”

“I stay very neutral during the games, so don’t worry about bias.” Virgil adds and Patton nods.

“He really does, I remember him playing with Remy and not taking any of his shit.” The doorbell rings. “Oh, my boyfriend’s here!” Virgil rolls his eyes at Roman as Patton runs off the answer the door.

“Everytime Logan comes over, he says that.” Roman huffs a laugh.

“That’s adorable, not gonna lie.” Roman mumbles and gives a stretch. “Why did you let me fall asleep? You’re such a bad boyfriend Virge.” Roman jokes and Virgil scrunches his nose back at him.

“Because you were tired, you dingus.” Dee snorts, but quickly composes himself again. 

“Nice one brother.” Dee nods in approval just as Logan comes in with Patton waddling behind.

“Hello Virgil, Dee.” Logan nods at the two, and looks at Roman with a puzzled expression. “I know you’re a student, but I don’t remember your…” He trails off, blushing at the thought of not knowing a student’s name.

“I’m Roman.” He says simply and shakes the outstretched hand.

“Well, hello Roman. I’m Logan. I teach Society and Culture, Economics, and Ancient History for the seniors.”

“He’s a smart one isn’t he?” Patton gives Logan a peck on the cheek and the latter sits down at the table as well, sitting next to Roman, but at the head of the table. Patton brings out a bottle of wine with five glasses and places it at the centre of the table. “Do you want a glass Roman? I don’t mind, if your parents allow you to drink.”

“Yeah, father doesn’t mind.” Logan and Patton exchange worried glances, to which Virgil shoots a cautionary look. ‘Don’t ask’ it says.

“Cool.” Patton says simply.

Dinner passes by smoothly, Roman laughing at all of Patton’s puns, to which Logan looks at Virgil with a ‘seriously?’ kind of expression. Virgil shrugs back. Virgil eats a plate of steamed vegetables. Leo counting each bite, to a total of 178 calories by the end of the meal. Leo never counts the alcohol though, so the half empty wine glass doesn’t matter.

Patton dumps the dirty plates and cutlery into the sink and runs into the next room to get the board game. Logan watches him leave and then turns quickly to Virgil.

“Let him win.” He says softly. 

Virgil looks at him with a squint. “I am an  _ unbiased- _ ”

“Please? I need to tell him something, and it’s part of my plan that he wins.” Virgil purses his lips and takes another sip of the wine.

“Is it something that will hurt him? Because if it is, I will intentionally fail SAC just to spite you.”

Logan gives a small nervous laugh. “Nothing like that. I swear.”

Virgil ponders for a few seconds. “I don’t mind losing.” Dee says with a shrug. “I’ll still be the reigning champion.” He leans back in his chair and swirls his wine.

“I wanna know what Logan’s plan is.” Roman agrees and looks over at Virgil expectantly.

“Fuck all three of you. But fine, if my reputation as ‘unbiased’ means nothing to you…” He jokes and Roman gives him a soft nudge. “Ugh, fine. I’ll do it. But you have to play along too. I refuse to say no to a valid point.”

“Thanks Virgil.” Logan beams, quickly toning it down when Patton comes back. “I just think that your essay was great. You’re actually paying attention in class again, and I’m very proud of you for taking the necessary steps.” Virgil rolls his eyes.

“Thanks  _ Professor Casey. _ Now can you tell Ms. Elderton the same? I’m a little behind in her classwork and I don’t think she’s awfully happy.”

“Sam loves you in her class, she is quite happy.” He says with a confused head tilt.

Virgil rolls his eyes with a smile.

“Okay kiddos, prepare yourselves for the oncoming destruction.” Patton hurls the box onto the desk, nearly missing the open bottle of wine that Logan takes and screws the cap back onto.

Patton wins. To Virgil’s delight, his three conspiracy partners play well for the first hour, but quickly decline in ability as the game nears its end. Dee is the first to lose, then Roman, and when Logan’s application for a tax evasion is declined, Virgil notices a small box fall to the floor and everything clicks as Logan slips off his chair to pick it up and ends up on one knee at Patton’s feet. Patton looks down with a gasp and covers his mouth with both his hands, tears building up. “Logan, why are you so clumsy?” He says through his hands.

Logan shakes his head with a smile. “Patton Sanders, will you marry me?” Dee watches with a shocked grin.

“Only if we can call our family the Logang.” Patton laughs and wipes away a tear.

“Absolutely not.” Logan says and slides the ring onto Patton’s now free hand. “But I’m taking that as a yes?” Patton nods, and Logan stands up to hug his now fiancé.


	8. This'll be a car crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!! Third week and going strong!
> 
> This is a bit of a short chapter, but it builds a lot upon Roman and his history!
> 
> Please check out my [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/chemicalpanic_writes/?hl=en) and my [Patreon](https://www.patreon.com/user?u=28010356)   
Bless x

The next morning, Virgil wakes up to Patton sat at the foot of his bed again, watching him in the way parents do when they’re concerned but too scared to know what’s wrong, lest it’s something they can’t help their kid through. “Hey Dad.” Virgil says quietly. “What’s up?”

Patton shakes his head softly, slowly bringing himself back out of the spiral of muted worry. “I wanted to talk to you, but you were still asleep and I…” He trails off, not wanting to admit to the panic veiled by the smile he bears.

“What did you wanna talk about?” Virgil sits up slowly and rubs his eyes. 

“Well, Logan and I are engaged now, and we’ve been talking about him moving in for a while, for the past year actually, we just wanted… We wanted to get your and Dee’s blessings, I guess.”

Virgil gives a laugh, rubbing the back of his head. “Dad, he’s  _ your _ boyfriend. And I live in  _ your _ house. Shouldn’t it be  _ your _ choice?”

“Was it silly of me to ask?”

“Yeah, a little.” Virgil smiles and stretches. “I’m very happy for you Dad, like, you’re finally getting your boyfriend, now fiancé, in. What did Dee say?”

“Something sarcastic.” Patton nods solemnly.

“Sounds about right.” Virgil yawns. “So when’s he moving in?”

“Well, he needs to finish up his rental, so sometime around July.” Patton plays with the edge of yet another one of Dee’s therapy blankets, this one being the most recent, and draped over Virgil’s bed.

“Okay, sounds great.” Virgil smiles again, but Patton doesn’t move.

He doesn’t look up as he speaks. “Remy called me earlier.”

“He broke my heart. And when I told him that, he tried to play it down, and when  _ that _ didn’t work, he just said ‘okay’ and ghosted me.” Virgil rolls his eyes, tone entombed in cast iron.

“He was just wondering if you were okay. He said he can’t contact you, and so he was worried.” Patton watches for any movement out of the corner of his eye, still not willing to see the fury probably painted on his son’s face.

“Yeah I blocked him. He  _ fucked me over _ Dad. I don’t want to have to deal with his shit anymore. He probably just broke up with another unsuspecting dude.

“He sounded really distraught.”

“Okay so he was drunk.” Virgil says, the full stop as audible as the rest of his words.

“Alright then.” Patton says quietly, and stands up. “I just thought you might’ve wanted to know.”

Virgil resolutely doesn’t answer.

July arrives and Logan moves into the house, the pantry slowly but surely filling up with a variety of import Crofter’s flavours. The bookshelf that was once home to just Patton’s collection of tattered picture books and light-hearted literature gains a few textbooks and history books. The knick knacks of various porcelain animal figurines joined by a Rubik's cube and a few wooden brainteasers. Logan picks them up and fiddles with them when he’s stressed as Virgil quickly learns, (Logan is often stressed).

Roman calls Virgil at midnight in late July.

“Hey.” Virgil answers quickly, scrolling through Tumblr taking priority over sleep yet another night.

_ “Can… Can you come over?” _ Roman’s voice is distorted, and not just through bad reception. He sniffles.

“Now?” Virgil checks his alarm for confirmation that it is, indeed, midnight. Half past midnight actually.

_ “Yes?” _ Roman says, a tremble in his voice betraying any possible illusion of stability.

“I’ll be right over Ro.” Virgil waits for Roman to hang up first and quickly hops out of bed, pulling on his school jacket and his thick daytime coat. Everyone is asleep, and Patton is at work again. He sends Patton a quick text to let him know that he’ll be at Ro’s and starts up his Corola.

When he texts Roman that he’s arrived, Roman walks out of the house, swaying softly.

“Roman, shit, what happened?” Virgil yells after he parks and runs out of the car to him.

Roman looks at Virgil with unfocused eyes, and just as his brain puts the picture together, he starts to sob, shaking as Virgil holds him up. 

“Fuck, fuck, okay, we’re going inside.” Virgil maneuvers Roman back inside, and places him onto the nearest comfortable looking surface, being a leather couch that looks like it cost three years’ worth of Patton’s salary. Roman shivers, his head loose and gently swaying. Virgil closes the door, rushing back to Roman. 

“I was listening to Nicole Dollaganger.” Roman slurs, speaking with too many pauses as his gaze focuses on the front left foot of the TV stand. “There was a light and I didn’t stop, couldn’t stop, I wasn’t breathing.” Virgil sits down next to Roman draping his coat over the both of them and then pulling Roman’s freezing cold body to himself. “They said it wasn’t my fault but it was. Because they didn’t know. I should have stopped,  _ I should have stopped _ , but selfish. He was eighteen. He was eighteen and he had a 4.0GPA and he wanted to study law and his name was James and he had a girlfriend and his parents were Ruth and Jeremy and  _ I should have stopped. _ ” Roman sobs out, his words still slurring together, the pauses as erratic as before.

Virgil doesn’t say anything. Even without the lump in his throat the size of Western Australia, he can’t speak.

“I just wanted to go home, I just wanted to get away from that place and there was a light and  _ I didn’t stop.”  _ Roman sobs out, the sounds ripping out of his chest in a way that brings tears to Virgil’s eyes. He wishes he could stop it. He wishes he could make whatever happened to James and Roman just go away forever.

“At the funeral, they cried for me too. They said sorry to me. They wanted me to know that they’d always be there for  _ me _ and that sometimes bad things happen to good people and they wanted me to know that they thought  _ I  _ was a good person.” Roman stops for a minute, an entire minute of his tattered breathing and his head swaying. “I wish it was me.” He whispers. “I fucking  _ wish _ it was  _ me _ and not  _ him. _ ” Roman leans his head against Virgil’s shoulder. “It should’ve been me.” 

They sit in silence for a few minutes until Roman stands up and walks up the stairs shakily. Virgil follows quickly, watching how Roman carefully traces the banister as he walks. 

All it for Virgil to walk into Roman's room to see why Roman is so cold. The door to the balcony is completely open and Roman takes a seat on the striped deck couch. He opens a half empty pack of cigarettes and lights one, stretching one to Virgil as well, insisting even as Virgil rejects the offer. Eventually he gives in and Roman lights the cigarette with his already lit one. He takes a deep drag. Exhales. Takes another. Exhales again. It seems to calm him, at least slightly. He then pulls out the nearly empty bottle of vodka from underneath the couch and takes a shot straight from the bottle. Virgil sits down next to Roman. “You’re cold Ro.” He says, adopting as gentle a tone as he can muster. Roman nods into the distance, another drag, exhale. “I’ll bring the blanket from your bed.” Roman nods again. “I’ll be right back.” 

Virgil returns with the blanket and drapes it over the both of them, this method working much better than just the coat. They smoke in silence.

“I wanna sleep.” Roman says after another long pause. 

“Of course, let’s go.” Virgil nods and plants a soft kiss onto Roman’s forehead. “I’ll help you up honey.” 

Roman collapses into the bed and Virgil slips his slippers off before following suit.

“I’m here honey. My brave, strong prince, I’m here.” He coos, the words coming so naturally, so easily when offered to Roman. The teen rests his head on Virgil’s chest.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers as Virgil softly massages the back of his head. He falls asleep.

The next morning, Virgil wakes up to Roman still curled up against his chest. He adjusts himself, trying to cause the least amount of disruption to Roman.

“I’m awake Virge.” He says quietly. “I just wanted to stay like this for a little longer.”

“What… What was that last night?” Virgil asks, to a soft sigh from Roman in response.

“Promise me that you won’t… That you won’t hate me?” Roman says quietly, after a very long pause.

“I could never hate you Ro.” Virgil reassures him and Roman takes a deep breath.

“Well… Do you remember our introductions?” Virgil gives a soft smile.

“Yeah, I do.”

“I wasn’t kidding.” Roman picks at the little bits of lint on Virgil’s pajama top. “I dunno how much I said last night, I just remember calling you and then there’s just… static I guess.”

“You were very fucked Ro.” Virgil says softly and rubs Ro’s back gingerly, waiting for him to continue.

“Yeah well… I was at this party, right. I went there with a friend but she abandoned me as soon as we got in and I just decided to grab a soft drink. There was this guy… Roman winces at the memory. “There was this guy, and he was getting way too close, and he was starting to get aggressive as I kept saying no, and then he mentioned my ex, and I knew that I just had to get out. I got in my car and started driving. I…” He pauses, formulating his next sentences. “I don’t know what it was.” He says slowly. “I don’t understand it now, but I started to have a panic attack. I… I couldn’t breathe and my lips were starting to get tingly and I just couldn’t stop thinking.

“I knew that I had to get home. That was the only thing I could think of and I knew that if I didn’t get home, something horrible would happen. I…” His breath catches. “ I ran a red light. I couldn’t see anyone approaching the intersection and I wanted to go home and I was panicking. Then a car rammed into me. They told me he died upon impact, they said that it wasn’t my fault, they said I was perfectly in my right to run an orange light, but I lied to them and there was no camera there and the family were too nice to me and just told me that sometimes bad things happen, that I was the one who was in the right.”

“Holy shit Ro.” Virgil manages to say. “That’s… I’m so sorry.”

“It happened a year ago last night. Remus bought me a bottle and a pack and said that this is the one day a year I’m allowed to be his brother. He left at midnight and…” Roman sighs. “Things were getting dark. I was ready… I was ready to just end it all. And I was drunk and I knew that nothing good would’ve happened had I stayed alone.”

“I’m glad you called.” Virgil whispers, tears streaking down his temples to wet the pillow. “I’m so fucking glad you called Ro.” He squeezes Roman as tight as he can. “I’m always here for you.”

“I know Virge.” Roman picks a few more pieces of lint off Virgil’s shirt before looking up. “I love you.” Virgil’s heart stops at the words. Roman forces his breath to stay steady.

“I love you too Ro.” _{Fuck, wait you fucking what? Take that back right now, you are _**_forbidden_** _to put him into this kind of danger, you’ll fucking kill him.} _

_ I’ll keep him safe Leo. I promise, I’ll actually do it this time, if he comes back. I’ll kill us all if he dares come back. _


	9. Chapter 9

Virgil leaves after a few hours with a peck on the cheek as his goodbye. By the time he gets home, Leo's screamed at him enough for him to pull out his phone and call Alysha.

_ "Hey. You need more?" _

"No Liss, I need a friend."

_ "Come over then." _

"Is Remy home?"

_ "No." _ She says too quickly and Virgil scoffs.

"New boyfriend?"

_ "Virge..." _

"It's fine Liss. I could care less who he fucks. I'll be over in ten." Alysha makes an affirmative noise and hangs up. Virgil grips the steering wheel tightly, knuckles turning white, nails digging in. 

_ {worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless}  _ Leo hisses, raking his claws up and down Virgil’s spine.

He forces the tears away, fights them back with a tight fist gripping his throat. Patton steps out of the house, walking over slowly to Virgil. He knocks on the window and Virgil rolls it down.

"Is he alright?" Patton asks softly.

"He's safe." Virgil chokes out, his stare firmly affixed to the hood of his car.

"So no?"

Virgil takes a deep breath and looks over at Patton, tears fighting back into the trenches, close to spilling over onto the battlefield of Virgil's cheeks. "Dad I don't know how to help him." He whispers through a tight throat, and a soldier flows down his cheek and onto his lap.

Patton sighs and squeezes Virgil's shoulder. "Be there for him. Remind him that you're there for him. Hope and pray that he gets help."

"He hit a guy with his car back home. The guy died and- I just don't know what I can really do to help." Virgil scoffs and wipes the next daring soldier away with the back of his hand. "For fuck's sake, his brother bought his a bottle of Smirnoff and a pack of Marlboros and left him alone on the worst night of the year for him. There's no way I can do anything to help him, and him seeing a therapist once every blue moon isn't gonna help either."

"Then just be there for him. If he needs you, you can be there, and sometimes that'd be enough to keep him safe."

"I don't want him to just be  _ safe _ , I want him to be  _ okay _ ."

"You and I both know that it's his choice to make. Not ours." Patton says with a sad smile he's mastered since knowing Virgil. 

"This isn't about me Dad." Virgil says softly. 

"Isn't it?" Patton pats the roof of the car. "I'm going to work at two, so don't park in the driveway."

“I’m going.” He calls out from the open window and Patton waves without turning back.

Alysha slides a can of Pepsi Max over to Virgil after he’s shucked his shoes at the door and sat himself onto one of the rocking chairs on the balcony. “I haven’t seen you for a while, I’ve missed you Virge.”

“Yeah sorry, with Logan and Roman and school, all the time that I’m not too weak to move has been snapped up.”

“Ugh,” she rolls her eyes sarcastically, “your step-dad and boyfriend are such bad company aren’t they?”

“Speaking of step-dad...” Virgil cracks open his can, leading the conversation slowly into murkier waters, more personal ones. “He’s been really nice these past few weeks, I just hope that he doesn’t change after the honeymoon period.”

“Please, Mr. Casey was like, the nicest teacher I’ve ever had. And easy to fluster, which never ceased to be amusing.”

“Yeah…” Virgil takes a sip of the Pepsi.

This is it.

This is the extent of his conversational aptitude.  _ Wow Logan really is rubbing off on me isn’t he, holy shit. _

He looks at Alysha for a little while, trying to find hints of how to hold up conversation in her eyeliner or left cheek. Sadly, the ‘Conversation for Dummies’ manuscript is not a part of her makeup routine.

She sighs. “You’re not here to talk about Mr Casey, are you?” Virgil eases back into the chair, the burden of conversation finally off him.

“No, I’m not.”

“So is it school, Dee, Patton, Roman or Remy?” Virgil laughs.

“Yeah.”

“Okay great.” Alysha rolls her eyes. “Good talk Virge.”

“It’s Ro.” He says slowly, as if he’s unsure.

“Virgil, talking to you about your feelings is like pulling teeth without anaesthesia. Or like trying to balance your whole weight on a lego with your heel as the only point of contact.” Alysha scoffs. “Should I bring my coursework to keep myself busy while you formulate?”

“Shut up, I’m not that bad.”  _ {yeah no, no you are} _

“Prove it then. What’s going on with Roman that’s so hard for you to say?” She stares at Virgil for at least ten seconds before he spits out an answer.

“I don’t think I like sex.” 

“Lovely.” Alysha says crisply. “How is that an issue?” 

“Roman and I had sex.”

“Okay great.” She sighs and leans back into her chair too, rocking it with her feet and picking at her nails. “How is  _ that  _ an issue?”

“I don’t know how to tell him, and I don’t know if it’s just a symptom of the restriction, because apparently, losing sex drive is a thing that can happen, or if it’s the BPD, because sex repulsion can be a thing from that, but BPD could also have like hypersexuality as a thing, or if I’m just somewhere on the ace spectrum because that’s just who I am?” He pulls his knees up to his chest and starts to pick at the few loose strings on the(unintentionally) ripped knee of his jeans, keeping himself from making eye contact with his conversation partner (basically therapist at this point) at all costs.

Alysha looks up from her nails with a smile. “And there’s the anaesthesia! So, do you  _ ever _ want to have sex?” 

“I don’t know? Like with Remy, right, it was always because he wanted to do…  _ that _ , and it was just entirely about what the wanted to do and how he wanted to do it? But with Roman it’s because I actually  _ want _ to do what Roman wants and not because I feel like I  _ need _ to do it? Like I don’t think I’d ever initiate anything, but with Roman, I’m happy to do what he wants because it makes me happy to see him like… feel good things, but it doesn’t make me feel those good things, at least, not on like an emotional level, just strictly physical, it’s more just happy that I’m doing something to better his day?”

“Is that something you can discuss with Roman?”

“I dunno, the whole idea of it makes me feel kind of gross, and talking about it is hard because I just feel so disgusting for even considering it.”

“So maybe it’s a self-esteem thing as well? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to feel something that a lot of people consider pleasurable, or is it something that isn’t pleasurable to you regardless of your feelings towards yourself?”

“I don’t know what I’d feel about it if I had self-esteem. I definitely know that I don’t like all the attention being on me during  _ that _ , but I like making someone feel good things.”

“So maybe your experiences have been too one-sided and you’ve just figured out that you don’t like being a bottom?”

Virgil laughs, his knee covered with significantly less fabric than before, the deconstructed remains in a neat pile on top of his flesh knee. “Maybe? But I still don’t want to start anything with Roman. When it happened, it was because he initiated it and we had a short exchange where he explained his intentions and asked me if I’m okay with doing that and I just agreed.”

“I’m going to assume you topped?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it better, worse, or about the same as when you bottomed?”

“That’s hard to say I think. Isn’t it  _ supposed  _ to be better to do stuff with people who reciprocate your feelings?”

“Well, yeah, but were you ever feeling like you wanted to just stop while you were with Remy?”

“Everytime.”

Alysha stops for a second and the look on her face yells out ‘ALERT!’. “Okay, hold up, sidetrack.” She leans forward. “Did you ever tell Rem that while it was happening?”

“No. I knew that what we were doing wasn’t for me but for him, so I just grit my teeth and stuck it out. And by that I mean I just fucking  _ left _ . Like I just astral projected myself into the fucking sky.” He laughs and pulls a particularly long string out of the now gaping mouth that used to be a knee.

“Okay, so, a) sex has to be a mutual thing, like it’s supposed to be both for you and for your partner and if you ever don’t want to do it in the future, you are under no obligation to do so, and if he pressures you, you should just leave him because he’s a dick. And b) you dissociated with him?”

“Well I mean, yeah kinda. Like I’m already mostly severed from reality, but when he would fuck me, the string that connected me just kinda ripped so…” He says casually.

“Virgil, that’s not okay.” She says softly. “You shouldn’t dissociate completely during sex. In fact, with vanilla sex, you shouldn’t dissociate  _ at all _ .”

“Now I know for next time I guess.” He laughs again.

“Did that happen with Roman?”

Virgil shakes his head. “That’s why I’m so confused. Why didn’t I hate it? Is it just because he happened upon the idea at a good time when I wasn’t repulsed or I actually had sex drive?”

“Did you feel pressured to have sex or did you do it because you wanted to, either because you wanted him to feel good or you wanted to feel good?”

“No, I just wanted him to feel good.”

Alysha smiles softly. “Then you probably didn’t hate it because you had healthy and consentual sex.”

Virgil just stares at the ground for a few seconds, furrowing his brow as if it would give him a boost in brainpower. Eventually he looks up, forgetting to relax his forehead. “So it’s not my fault?”

“No, not really. Remy made you feel like you had to have sex, and that’s a surefire way to make sure that you don’t enjoy it. Just, please, please try to get out of that kind of situation if it ever happens again. There is no plausible situation in which you would  _ have  _ to have sex with anyone. Your body is your own, and you are under no obligation to share it with anyone.”

“Oh.” Virgil thinks a little more. “Well okay then.” He says simply.

“Okay, therapy session’s over, I have friend questions now.” Alysha says with a small smirk and Virgil gives a laugh. “How have you been? Has Leo calmed down at all?”

Virgil huffs a laugh and rubs the back of his head. “Same old, same old Liss.”

“You need to go see a therapist Virge. An actual therapist, not just a first year psych student. I can’t help you heal from this.”

Virgil shifts in his seat, pulling out a cigarette from an inside pocket in his hoodie and lighting up. He doesn’t answer until the smoke escapes his lungs. He watches a green car drive past. “What if I don’t want to heal? What if I deserve this shit and it’s all just a matter of time before I die? I was born into this world to suffer and try to atone for killing my mum and forcing Father to go through that.”

“Fuck that shit Virge. You don’t deserve to starve to death. You’re such a fucking nice person, so sweet and kind and caring-”

“I’m making Patton drink more than he should. I’m making Dee sob every night. I’m making Roman waste his time on a  _ lost fucking cause _ .” Virgil feels tears sting at his eyes. “Liss, I’m hurting everyone around me just by being alive.”

Alysha gives him a soft smile and reaches over to squeeze his hand. “Can’t you see that you’re stuck in a loop? ‘Oh I’m a bad person I don’t deserve help’ leads to you starving yourself and cutting and the drugs, and that leads to the people who love you to be scared and confused and in pain, and then you see that, and it’s ‘oh I’m a bad person’ again. Break the cycle Virge. You  _ deserve _ to be happy. You  _ deserve  _ to be alive, and by continuing to self-destruct, you’re only causing yourself and everyone around you harm.”

“What if I can’t break the cycle? Stopping doing…  _ this,”  _ he makes a vague hand motion, “Alysha, I’m terrified. This is all I know. This is what I was  _ trained  _ to do. I was fucking trained to punish myself for every breath I take and I don’t know what it’s like to feel ‘normal’.”

“You’ll never feel normal Virge.” She says gently as he draws in more smoke. “But you can feel healthy. You can feel well. Fuck Leo. Fuck  _ anything _ he says, he’s not you. He’s not the one that has to fall asleep to agonising cramps. He’s not the one who has to study with blurred vision and a brain that can’t take in the information. You have to do this for you, and if you can’t do this for you, you can start out doing it for Patton, or Dee, or Roman, or Logan, or me. Virge, we all love you. We all want you to be okay and we all just want to see you live out the life you deserve. Leo wants to see you dead.”

Virgil doesn’t answer for a long time. He finishes the cigarette and puts it out on the ashtray. He watches Alysha’s jeans, the knees to be specific.

“I don’t… I’m sorry Liss, I don’t know.” Alysha’s face drops and she has to lean back to try and fight back her tears.

“It’s not that fucking hard Virgil. Whatever bullshit happened to you can be fixed. Whatever bullshit you think you have to carry to your fucking grave, we can deal with it!” Virgil feels a tear stream down his cheek.

“He’s dead.” He chokes out as more tears fall. “He’s dead and there’s nothing that can fix what he did to me.” Alysha freezes and watches him carefully. “Everything he did… it fucking  _ broke _ me. I’m shattered into dust on the floor and there’s no way to form the dust back into the shape I was. I was just a fucking kid!” He whispers and leans forward, hiding his head between his knees. “I was a child and he broke me and I know that there’s no way I can survive this. I’m just waiting on this shit he gave me to kill me, and I’ll finally be free.”

Alysha slides out of her chair to kneel in front of Virgil. “Virge, what did he do?” She says firmly, but Leo’s screams get too loud to ignore and Virgil just sobs into his knees, hands clamped tightly against his ears, jumping, but not fighting back when Alysha hugs him.

_ {You can’t say any more. That’s it, how dare you try and fight back, you know what happens when you try and get out, you know what happens to him, you know that he’ll kill everyone around you if you try to get help, you know that there’s no way that you’ll be able to live with yourself if he kills everyone you love.}  _

Virgil comes back after around half an hour, shakily emerging from the depths of the cave Leo forced him into. “I’m sorry Liss, I can’t risk it.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW, lots of sad shit, past abuse, past disordered behaviours, etc.

A few more weeks pass, Roman’s presence at the Sanders household a regular and welcome event, Patton even going so far as to add his name onto the fridge in those fridge alphabet magnets. 

Virgil has started picking Roman up from his house and driving them to school every morning, hanging out at the park or at Virgil’s house afterwards. 

The drive was always fine, the Tuesday morning no exception, the car filled with light banter and laughter. Virgil hugs Roman goodbye as he heads from Drama to last period, Maths, down the hall and up the stairs.

Virgil watches the passing students as they blur together into one face.  _ {You deserve this for reaching out. Who the fuck do you think you are Virge? You really think that you can get away? You’re our trained puppy. You’re too far gone to get back to where you want to go.}  _ He can feel the jitters start, almost like he’s had a little too much caffeine, but he only took the standard two pills as he woke up. He can feel his heart beat heavy against his ribcage, the thuds working their way up his throat as the rest of his surrounding blur together.

_ Okay Virge. Just make it up the stairs. Make it up the stairs and then there’s that cleaner’s nook with the sink and the powerpoint, you can sit there until it all passes. _

He grabs onto the handrail as tight as he can, forcing himself to lift one foot after the other, climbing the stairs with his vision half gone. The chill starts to set in. He can feel it start in his fingertips and toes, spreading up to his knees and elbows as his mind fills with incoherent yelling, half his own voice and half Leo’s as his heartbeats quicken and grow all the more shallow, a stabbing pain spreading from his chest up to his neck and down his arm. He wrenches himself up the last step and ducks into the nook, slowly setting himself down onto the linoleum. There’s a corner that’s started peeling up. The one clear thing he sees is how peeled back and stained that one corner is. 

A vague figure approaches and says something, the sound just as blurry and distorted as the world around him. It grasps his forearm, where he can see the blurry redness start and he tries to look somewhere he thinks might be a face.

“I think I’m going to pass out.” He chokes out a whisper.

_ Virgil. The battle is over. You can go now. You don’t have to fight this anymore, you can be free. _

He knows the voice sounds like his own. He thinks it might be as he sees the world quickly fade into black. He can’t feel the hand anymore.

The woman is the first thing he sees as he opens his eyes. He feels her hands pressing on his chest as he wrenches up with a hacking cough. She eases him back onto the ground. He recognises her as the music teacher, Mrs. Harris. “Stay down honey, the ambulance is on their way.” He listens to her and just lays back down silently.

The paramedics ease him onto a stretcher and carry him down the stairs, place him on one of those beds that they wheel frail or unconscious people around on and wheel that into the ambulance. Logan meets them there, awkwardly standing with his arms crossed at his stomach. Virgil just stares at one of the corners of the back window as Logan gives the paramedic Virgil’s details. When the questions are done, the man starts running tests as Logan awkwardly holds Virgil’s hand. 

“I’ve called Patton and he’ll meet us at the hospital.” Logan says carefully. “I…” Virgil doesn’t hear him. He still watches that tiny scratch at the window, wishing that he could be the light ray that shines through onto his leg.

“His blood pressure’s still very low, as is his blood sugar. Has he always had an arrhythmia?” The paramedic asks Logan, who freezes as he processes the words.

“He has an arrhythmia?” 

“Yes, his heart is still beating very slowly and irregularly, around forty-five beats per minute.” 

Logan sighs and takes Virgil’s hand, the latter not responding at all. “Can this have something to do with his weight?”

“Possibly. Sir, have you and your partner considered treatment for your son? We can organise a mental health evaluation with the hospital psychologist.” The paramedic slides the blood pressure armband off and drapes a thin and clean white blanket over Virgil, the blue tint in his cupids bow and fingertips now unmistakeable. He clips on a heart rate monitor onto Virgil’s middle finger.

“We… We’ll need to discuss that. My partner will meet us at the hospital and we’ll discuss it.”

“Sir, your son has just had a heart attack. He could have gone into cardiac arrest, and that is  _ fatal _ . He needs treatment.” Logan sighs and looks down at Virgil’s skeletal face, tears threatening to well up. 

“Mr. Sanders? Follow me.”

Patton’s gaze shoots up at the nurse, tears streaked all the way down his cheeks. He stands up quickly and walks with him to Virgil’s bed, spotting Logan before the nurse tells him the bed number. 

“How are you feeling kiddo?” He says brightly and Virgil tries to give a smile that doesn’t sound too many alarm bells. “The school called you an ambulance after you… Well… How are you feeling?”

“Fine, fine, I’m totally fine Dad, can we go?” Virgil insists to a sad smile from Patton and a strange noise from Logan that sounds suspiciously like either a hiccup or a sob.

“I’m sorry kid.” Patton says softly and squeezes Virgil’s hand. He just opens his mouth to continue as another woman Virgil assumes is the doctor walks into the room.

“Lawrence Harrison?”

“Yes.” Virgil says softly and she gives a soft nod.

“We’ve done some tests. We’re all glad that you’re responsive again, however your bradycardia has not abated. We will need to discuss treatment.” She turns to Patton. “Do you understand sir?” Patton shakes his head.

“His heart is beating too slowly, and as the paramedics said, irregularly. He’s just had a heart attack and he needs something like a pacemaker or medication or a combination of both. We also need to talk about mental health treatment.” Logan explains slowly and Patton lets out a tattered breath and sinks down into the chair next to the bed.

“I had a heart attack?” Virgil chokes out and the doctor, Doctor Le, as identified by her name tag nods.

“Yes Lawrence. And your father is right. We need to consider medication or a pacemaker, but only if the bradycardia persists. In the meantime, I would like you to have a psychological evaluation.” Virgil’s eyes shoot to Patton, silently begging him for support in refusing the evaluation and Patton gives the smallest nod as he starts to sob.

“I would like to decline treatment.” Virgil says softly. Doctor Le turns to Patton.

“Sir, he will have another heart attack if you do not start treatment for the underlying causes. He may not be as lucky as he was today.” 

Patton looks at Virgil again. “I’m sorry.” He says to Doctor Le. “My son and I would like to decline treatment. I don’t see how a psychologist can help him if he’s fighting so hard to stay ill.”

The entire drive home is silent. Doctor Le insisted on them staying for the next hour, telling them of all the benefits of staying but Leo made up Virgil's mind. He had to fight very hard to get the boy to ignore his sobbing father, but eventually Patton signed the refusal form. Virgil shivers in the back seat as Logan’s hand rests on Patton’s thigh in silent support.

Virgil enters his room to Dee curled up on his bed, wearing his spare hoodie and clutching to the spider themed beanie Dee made for him a few years ago. Dee jumps as Virgil opens his door, but doesn’t try to get up or to let go of the beanie.

“Dee? Are you okay?” Virgil says softly and closes the door before sitting down next to Dee.

“You could have died.” He sobs out, clutching tighter at the beanie. “Virgil, you had a heart attack.”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright Dee.” Virgil softly pats Dee’s back. “I’m okay, I promise.”

Dee wrenches up and throws the beanie to the ground. “Fuck you! Fuck you and your bullshit fucking promises!” He yells through the film of tears. “You’re not fucking okay! You’re dying and we could’ve lost you today! For fuck’s sake Virgil, don’t you understand? We  _ love you here _ . I don’t know what kind of fucking baggage you’ve been carrying but you need to drop that shit and get better.”

“Dee, please, I can’t get  _ better _ .” Virgil whispers and Dee bursts out laughing.

“Then fucking  _ die _ .” He spits out. “Finish the fucking job and  _ die. _ I can’t see you in this half-state, half-dead half-alive? No, for fuck’s sake Virgil,  _ pick a side _ . Stay with us or go to fucking hell with your parents, I don’t give a shit, just let us heal!” Virgil purses his lips, forcing his tears to just  _ stay in _ . “We were a normal family before you. We had our highs and lows, like any fucking normal family and then you came and the highs got higher and the lows got lower and recently, ever since that stupid fucking September, since your fucking attempt, there have been a hell of a lot more lows. So fucking what if Remy wanted other things? So fucking what if you’ve been dealt a bad hand? What? You’re just going to give up and wither away? You’re going to punish yourself, starve yourself and slice yourself open because your boyfriend dumped you? Then  _ fucking finish it _ . This whole fucking family has issues. Patton can’t be fucking honest with himself about his negative feelings, I was a compulsive liar with panic attacks and Logan can’t admit that he feels anything but we’re not fucking giving up and letting the herd trample us. We stay strong. We keep fighting because we fucking  _ know  _ that we deserve better. So do you Virge. You deserve to fight, but it’s your choice on whether to fight or to die. Get out of the fucking waiting zone.”

Virgil started sobbing somewhere near the middle of the tirade. Dee’s yelling is a knife buried into his stomach, twisting and digging deeper and deeper. “I’m broken Dee.”

“Fuck that shit. Fuck being broken, you can still heal.”

“I have nothing left Dee.”

“No.” Dee grabs Virgil by the shoulders and stares him right in the eyes. “You have family. You have a purpose. And you have baggage you need to fucking unpack.”

Virgil curls in on himself as another sob rips its way through his throat. Dee pulls him onto his lap. “Talk to me Virgil.” He says softly. “Please talk to me. I can’t see you like this anymore. Every bone I see is like a cigarette burn to my forearm. Every scar is like my own open wound. I would do anything for you, give anything for you to just get better. So please Virgil. I don’t really want you to die, I never have and I never will. I just want us all to stop hurting.”

Virgil doesn’t answer for a while. Leo screaming obsenities at him again for being so weak, for being stupid enough to have a heart attack. “Take me to the park. Convince dad to let us go to the park.” He says softly.

“Okay.” Dee whispers as Virgil shifts off his lap. Virgil gets up slowly and pulls out his thickest winter coat and slips into it. 

Dee comes back with Patton in tow. “Virgil, it’s almost dark.” Patton says quietly, no gentleness in his tone. There’s no harshness either of course, but the mere absence of gentleness startles Virgil, just a hollow voice talking to him.

“Please. We need to go, and we need to go  _ now. _ ” Patton gives him a once-over with tired eyes. He shrugs and walks away, down the stairs and by the clinking of glasses, into the kitchen. Virgil turns to Dee. “Let’s go.” Dee nods slowly, and walks Virgil to the door, throwing a worried look back at Patton who gives a full body shrug and motions something like a ‘cheers’ to the brothers with his full wine glass.

The walk, much like the car ride, passes in outward silence, but all Virgil can hear is Leo’s screams.

He sits down on one of the open back swings and Dee follows suit, sitting down about a metre away from Virgil. “You don’t mind if I smoke do you.” What started as a question becomes a statement of intent. Virgil lights up before Dee can answer.

“My parents met in Lawrence, Kansas in the US. My mum’s family was visiting relatives, themselves being from Manhattan.” He starts detachedly. “Father’s family was local, grandpa a welder and grandma a seamstress. They met at an internet cafe. It was love at first sight. A year went on and my mum graduated high school. They kept in contact throughout the year and come the holidays, my mum’s family visited again. Long story short, the grandparents didn’t approve of a poor boy and a not Christian girl being together. They eloped and came to Australia. Father was a rural kid, and they were both dirt poor, so they settled in Dubbo. Father became a contractor and mum wound and hand-dyed Australian wool.” 

He speaks as if he’s rehearsed this speech a thousand times, just forgot to use good rhetorical devices. And he has. Well, practiced the speech a thousand times at least. Waiting, hoping, praying for a day to come when he can use it. Dee listens silently. “Five years on, and mum was pregnant. They decided on Lawrence if I was a boy and Lorry if I was a girl. Father’s business was going well, as was mum’s. They got the mortgage paid off just as I was due.” Virgil feels a lump in his throat. 

“There were… complications.” He’s half-way done with his first cigarette. “My mum died giving birth to me. That’s when they said he started changing. He stopped going down to the pub with his mates, opting instead for cheap gin alone in the house with a baby, cigarette smoke clouds and alcohol fumes setting up permanent residence. They never knew what else was going on. Everyone he knew and who grew to know me just said that he was a quiet widower, his spirit crushed by the death of the woman he loved most in the world.” He lights up a second cigarette.

“It started young. He never believed in God or angels, but he sure did believe in the Devil.” Virgil gives a short, humourless laugh. “He said a demon lived in me. He called it Anticif, why, I don’t know, but he had a name and that’s what made him all the more real. I was hearing voices at a young age too. First it was only Anticif, a horrible, growling, scratchy voice that made me want to hurt myself to hurt him and so I did. I was three when I first cut myself. Not to brag and all, but I was a fucking  _ gifted _ child. I could speak but I wouldn’t. I’d understand most things that were said to me. I could read, and I could feel  _ pain _ . When Father found out that I started hurting myself, he slapped me hard in my face and told me to keep going because I deserve it. He was never sober. He was always either drunk or high, he used to buy meth from our local cook. He’d feed me once a day, a stale piece of bread, sometimes with moldy corners and a slice of tasty cheddar cheese, you know, the one you can buy in a two kilo block? 

“When I was between four and five, Leo popped up. A soothing voice that was there to protect me from Anticif, but wasn’t afraid of scaring the shit out of me if I started acting up, in a way that would make either Father or Anticif mad. Leo locked Anticif up, he could only do it because I was weakened and starved by Father, and Anticif feeds off my energy. That means I couldn’t eat too much or get too close to anyone because that would strengthen me and by extension, Anticif. Father said it to me ever since I can remember, so I assume Leo just picked it up from him.” Virgil lights up the third cigarette, resolutely not looking at Dee, who’s staring at Virgil, wide-eyed and terrified.

“When I had just turned five, mid December of the year before I was supposed to go to school, Father got really high or something, I dunno, but he was much angrier and a lot more violent than he normally was. He beat me to a fucking pulp for breathing too loudly, my arm was broken and I was coughing up blood, but I was bloodied everywhere so that doesn’t really mean too much. The next morning he called up his pal, another methhead who knew how to apply casts, so my arm could heal straight. That’s the night I sliced open my hips, tracing the blue streaks I saw. It hurt a lot, but I read in my mum’s old kids’ anatomy book that the veins there carry a lot of blood very quickly, so I thought if I cut them open I could lose enough blood to die. I read about dying from blood loss in that same book and I knew from my mum that when you die, you don’t come back, and I wanted to go somewhere and never come back to Father.” 

He gives another humourless laugh. “Didn’t fucking work. He caught me and glued the cuts back together and when they healed, beat the shit out of me again, but this time so no one could see the bruises and cuts because it was time for school. I walked a half hour there everyday, and then another half hour back. I was still mute, so the kids made fun of me and the teacher was mad at me and even after countless calls home followed by beatings from Father, I wouldn’t budge. It was my victory, my tiny victory over him, and I only started to talk to the teacher around year three. But in kindy, I made two friends. Josh and Kaitlyn. They joked about how skinny I was in the first few weeks of knowing me, but started to get worried when I fainted in class, of course, coming home to another beating, and Kaitlyn’s mum started packing me a sandwich, a snack, and a juice box along with Kaitlyn’s lunch.” He lights up his fourth.

“Eventually Father figured it out. I started to look healthier and he stopped feeding me. So all I had by term four of kindy was Kaitlyn’s mum’s sandwich, snack and juice box. I started hoarding the dry snacks she gave us once a week and kept every second juice box. Father couldn’t stand to come into my room and so I could easily find a place to hide the stash. I pried loose a floorboard that was under my bed enough to not be visible, but close enough to me so that I could reach it without too much trouble. Then on the second last week of school, I stole a jar of peanut butter from a local store. Then again from a different store on the last week. I stashed food for the school holidays. Six weeks for which I didn’t know if I was going to be fed scared the shit out of me. When they came, I was basically under house arrest. I could have two hours outside a day, two hours in the bush, and that was it, if I was late, I had to stay inside for a week. That whole thing continued until the start of year five. He had bad days, and then he had worse days, and then he had horrible days. I kept starving, making sure to only have enough to survive. If I had energy for the day, that meant that I ate too much. Once, after finishing my lunch in year five, I got this rush of energy and I was scared shitless so I quickly made my way to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up. I read about bulimia online in computer class and I decided to follow the things they said bulimic people did, but that people shouldn’t do.” He lights up a fifth.

“In year five I found out I was gay. Josh told me that he liked me. I knew what that meant because everyone was gossiping about who liked who. He said he wanted to kiss me like his parents kissed each other. He was such a brave boy.” Virgil huffs a laugh. “And so he walked halfway to my house with me, on a day when I knew Father was out on a job in the city. We sat under a river red gum and he hugged me and we talked for a long time and he did end up kissing me. It wasn’t anything intense, just the normal way kids kiss, all awkward and bad, but I really liked the feeling the knowledge of him wanting to kiss me gave me. We told Kaitlyn and she kept it a secret, because we were kinda the reject group anyways, and she was a reject with us. Josh would walk with me to the red gum whenever I knew that Father would be home later than usual and we would talk and I really loved him as a friend and I liked kissing him. We did that for around four months. I got really close to him, and Leo was telling me to stop, but I told him everything about my life but made him _ promise _ not to tell anyone else because Father brainwashed me into believing foster care was worse than what he was doing to me. He didn’t, and we kept talking and he kissed me a few more times.” Virgil tears up and lights a sixth.

“This was the second time Anticif took someone I formed a bond with. With mum, it was the bond she had with me before I was born, the bond all mothers have with the life growing inside them when they choose to keep it. With Josh, I loved him as a friend and I- I didn’t know what romantic love was at the time, but I knew that I wanted to kiss him more, and… and he loved me too, he said it all the time, he would never pass up a chance to be around me… Anyways.” Virgil takes a deep breath and lets a tear fall. “They said he was riding his bike when the car hit him. They never found out who it was that hit him because the driver didn’t call it in. Josh died in a hit and run and I knew it was my fault. Kaitlyn was a mess, and so was I. They took us into counselling and I just told them that Josh was one of my best friends and that I’ll miss him. I didn’t tell them about the kissing bit. Then, in October, Father went out on a drive and never came back. I was alone in the house for a week before I gave up on school. Father left his laptop and so I e-mailed my school that I was feeling very ill and had a bad fever and that I wouldn’t be coming to school for a while. Then I just stayed inside, crying all day and night, body a bloodied mess because I didn’t treat my cuts and I didn’t shower. I went out into the bush a few times and picked flowers to put on that red river gum. I gave up mid-way through week three. I had run out of food and will to live so I downed a bunch of Father’s prescription pills and curled up on the couch with a few blankets.” He huffs another laugh and lights his seventh cigarette.

“It was so strange. The police found Father’s body around the same time I had taken the pills. Had I waited just an hour more, I wouldn’t’ve met you and Patton at the hospital straight out of a stomach pump and into the psych ward, but at either your house or the police station. You know the rest. You know, the whole boyfriend dumping me and your family’s highs got higher and lows got lower.” He slowly turns to Dee with a smirk. “So you finally know everything. How do you feel?”

“Fucking hell Virgil.” Dee whispers and in a jump and couple of steps, he’s holding his brother. “I’m so sorry.” He sobs out.

Virgil hugs him back, his own tears having stopped. He says calmly. “I think I’m ready to try and fight this thing.”

Dee makes a squawk, barely distinguishable from his sobs and starts crying harder. “Please do.” He sobs out and Virgil squeezes him tighter.


	11. Chapter 11

Roman dials Patton's number again, having tried both his and Virgil's numbers upwards of fifty times each, desperately trying to get  _ some _ sort of confirmation, at this point he'd be happy with any outcome, anything, as long as he just gets an answer.

After school he heard a group of year tens talking about a guy who passed out in front of their maths room. He ran after them, a thick coiling snake of terror writhing inside him. "Was it a senior?" He yelled out after them, the three kids throwing each other a confused look. 

"Uh… yeah, he had his year twelve jacket on. Miss Harris had to give him CPR 'cause she said he wasn't breathing." The one of them who's in SRC spoke up. 

"What did his jacket say?" The kids exchanged another confused look. "The  _ back of his jacket,  _ what did it say?" He yelled out and the SRC kid nodded placatingly.

"It's okay, he should be okay, the name on the front was Virgil Har-something, I dunno, I had to go to class." Roman's face fell, the snake sucked into the building void. The kid's friend gave a small awkward smile.

"The ambulance came super fast, I'm sure he's okay. He woke up even before we heard any sirens. It's just school protocol, I'm sure he'll be fine." The girl said quietly. 

Roman took a few seconds to process. "Thank you." He said quietly, as the kids gave parting awkward smiles. He stood in the middle of the quad for another few seconds before snapping himself out of it and walking out the gates to go home. 

Now he's here. Sobbing in bed as Patton's cheery voicemail greets him again. There's a soft knock on the door, opening slowly as his father walks in, gaze fixed on the wooden floorboards until he's in the room.

"Hi?" Roman says, heart pounding as he flips through the book of how he has ever fucked up, trying to figure out which he'll be berated for today.

"You're crying… I'm um… I'm sorry, do you want to talk? About it?" He slips his hands into his pockets and pulls his shoulders closer waiting for Roman's response.

"I… My boyfriend, he's passed out at school." Roman says slowly, the majority of his brainpower focused on figuring out why  _ the fuck _ his father is talking to him. "A teacher had to give him CPR and called him an ambulance."

"Oh." His father looks as confused as Roman feels. "Do you…? Do you know if he's alright?"

"He's not answering, neither is his dad." Roman says softly and his father nods jerkily. 

"Would you like… some tea?" He offers uncertainly and Roman tenses and shakes his head. "Well um… okay, I'll… I'll see you later then?"

"Yeah?" Roman nods. He dials Virgil's number.

He falls asleep after two sleeping pills and wakes up to a text from Virgil, apparently sent just before midnight. 

_ 'I'm okay <3' _

The adrenaline or relief, just something that forces him awake, also forces him to yank the charging cord out and call Virgil.

_ "Hey." _ Virgil says groggily as Roman presses his hand against his mouth to make sure he doesn't let out a yelp and wake up the rest of the household. 

"Virgil, you have no idea how happy I am to hear your stupid fucking voice holy shit." Roman whispers and Virgil gives a soft laugh, barely audible through the phone.

_ "You'll be even happier to see me then?" _

"Of course, but it's a school day." Roman whispers with a soft giggle.

_ "Come over. Come on."  _ He drags out and Roman giggles again.

"Okay but you need to talk to me about what's going on." He whispers as seriously as he can muster through the foggy giddiness running rampart through his veins.

_ "I will. I promise." _ Virgil says quietly and Roman nods to himself.

"I'll see you in a bit Virge." Roman pulls himself out of bed, still wearing yesterday's school clothes. He doesn't bother too much with his hair or general appearance, just grabs his phone and keys, shoves them into his pocket and gets out.

His father is drinking coffee at the breakfast bar. "Hey Roman." He says quietly. "Where are you off to?"

"Oh. You're… here. Not at the office?" Roman asks as politely as he can. 

"No, I wanted to drive you to school?" Everything he says is either inaudible or some kind of question. 

"I'm not gonna go today I don't think. I'm gonna visit Virgil." He says in a tone that doesn't let his father say no. 

"How is he?" 

"He's out. That's good right?"

His father makes an apologetic face. "Roman, if he needed CPR that means that he probably had a heart attack. If he's out so quickly, it means that he refused treatment. That's… That's not a good thing."

Roman freezes. After a short processing pause, he says, "I need to see him. Talk some sense into him."

"Okay. I'll call the school? Call me when you're heading back home, I need… I need to talk to you."

"Alright." Roman nods and walks out.

Virgil opens the door when Roman texts him.

"Fuck you you absolute shit." Roman throws his arms around his boyfriend, pressing his frail body against his own, lips against his neck as Virgil buries his face in Roman's neck. "I was so worried." He whispers and Virgil makes a soft affirmative noise. "I was calling you and Patton all day yesterday, what happened?"

"My phone died. Dad got drunk when we got back." He mutters into Roman's neck, still not ready to let go.

"Let's go in Virge." Roman kisses Virgil's jaw and Virgil sighs and pulls away, building tears shining in his eyes.

"I love you." He says softly and Roman rubs Virgil's arms up and down.

"I love you too Virge." Virgil gives him a soft smile and takes Roman's hand to walk him in and up to his room. 

Virgil climbs back in bed, Roman sitting down next to him. Virgil immediately rests his head onto Roman's shoulder and takes his hand. He starts playing with his fingers as Roman snakes an arm around his waist. 

"I had a heart attack yesterday. The doctors said it was a bad one, but I refused treatment. Then Dee yelled at me." He starts softly and Roman pulls him in closer. "Honestly, I should've died and I would've been happy with that. But Dee was pissed, he told me to 'pick a side' and so I did." Roman holds his breath, waiting for the verdict. "I'm going back to the hospital later today. Patton agreed to let me just do outpatient unless I don't follow the diet plan. I also… I also told him about my father. Just the abridged version, but he now knows why I need to hurt myself. Do you… well, d'you wanna know as well?" Virgil doesn't look up at Roman but keeps playing with his fingers. 

Roman thinks for a second. "If you think it'll help me support you. I imagine you'll have to talk about it a lot the next few weeks, so save your strength for then if you don't think it will." He says gently and Virgil presses himself even closer to him, Roman holding him tighter. 

"My father hated me because my mum died during childbirth. He would beat me and starve me my whole life with him. He isolated me and convinced me that I was a demon. I have two other… entities in me. Leo, who you've met, and Anticif, the one that Leo protects me from. I had two suicide attempts there and one here." Virgil gives a small laugh. "That's the abridged abridged version. Spark notes of spark notes."

"That's awful Virgil. You didn't deserve that." Roman says softly and Virgil looks up and gives Roman a soft smile. 

"I know. But if it didn't happen, then I wouldn't be in the amazing family I'm in now. That's what I tell myself when I start feeling super down about it." Virgil gives him a quick peck on the cheek. “It doesn’t mean I like what happened, but it’s easier to accept it that way.” Roman gives a soft smile back.

“I’m glad you’re out of that environment. We’ll work through this okay? Together.” 


End file.
